Glock N' Cuffs

Hook em' and Book em'!

2009-10-22T11:51:00.002-04:00

Well, I hit the pavement running and haven't stopped! I started out riding with a young officer that has been with the department for 9 years. The one thing that I definitely need to get used to is getting up at 4am in the damn morning! I worked over 20 years from 3:30pm till 3:00am. I am so not used to the morning time but I have to say, it sure is great to be back out doing what I love.

I made my first drug arrest when I spotted a couple homies sitting in and around an abandoned car. I walked up and saw one of them slide something under the seat. You don't have to be out of police work for too long to remember that's a clue! I got him out of the car handcuffing him for my safety. As he is getting out of the car he tosses something back into the car. This would be clue #2. I snatched up the other guy just for him standing there looking stupid as if I was doing something illegal. When I start to handcuff him, he starts sweating profusely, this would be clue #3. I asked him if he had anything illegal on him, anything that would stick me or any bazookas? He of course said the proverbial “no”. When I start to pat him down for “Officer Safety” he starts squirming like he had ants in his pants. I'm feeling pretty good about myself now. Oh yea, hook em' and book em' baby! I pull out 7 small “Nickel” baggies of marijuana and about $300.00 dollars in the old 5's and 10's, shocking I know. So he was stuffed in the back with his partner in crime. A check of the car found more marijuana, scales and tons of baggies. He wasn't planning on selling of course, no, he's just a really organized pot head. I have to say I was pretty excited only because I was doing police work again and not sitting in a courtroom reading a book. They were released the next day on bond but I could careless cause they will be back another day.

The pace of the job is something that actually has been a welcomed relief from my days in the busiest zone in my old department. I would check on and the dispatcher would be holding 35 calls. Now, I might handle 35 calls in a week. The really great thing is that I work 2 days, off 2 days, work 2 days, off 3 days. I only work 2 weekends a month which still allows me to enjoy time with my sweet girl. We do work 12 hours but the time goes by pretty quick. I am learning their system fast I think. They have a very different computer reporting system that has been a bit troubling but I am getting used to it. They told me that I would probably have to go through the entire 14 week training program due to my 28 years of prior experience. I was told by the Chief that he was going to tell the Sheriff that they are wasting time training me and that they should just cut me loose because I do have so much experience. I am all for that but I'll tell you this, I am lost!!! I have never been in the area so it is unnerving trying to navigate. I am planning on buying the best GPS money can buy, so if any of my fellow bloggers can recommend a top notch system let me know!!!

Aza is just as beautiful as ever of course. She is taking great care of me making sure that my uniforms are clean everyday. I just can't brag enough about her, she's amazing! So I can't complain when it comes to my personal life, it rocks just like my girl...

We had a very sad case of a missing 7 year old little girl very close to here. This last Monday she was walking home ahead of her siblings and just disappeared. The thing that really disturbs me is 10 days prior a 5yr old child in the same small town, 2 blocks from where this little girl disappeared from was almost abducted by 3 people. The agency responsible for responding to that attempted abduction didn't warn the school or parents in the area so no one knew their children were at risk. The child was rescued by a passerby, a good Samaritan that got involved and stopped these sick bastards. I just feel that this should have been broadcast in the media letting everybody know that somebody was out there trying to snatch kids up.

At 4:15pm yesterday the Sheriff of that county held a news conference and broke the news that her body had been found in a Georgia landfill. Please tell me how somebody could murder child, throw her in a trash dumpster and go on about their day? What a sick society we live in guys!!! It's been said that the 3 suspected in the attempted abduction are not responsible for this recent abduction and murder. I just can't help but think if the citizens knew what had happened, this little girl might be alive today. This is not the 70's folks, there are sick, perverted people roaming the streets. Please take the time to take your children to school. Make a plan with your neighbors to be at the bus stops when they get off so these innocent children don't have to fight for their life. If your not doing this now, you need to start. Just imagine if it were your son or daughter missing. Please love and take care of your children, be a responsible parent and do the right thing. God Bless all of you and your children.

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!!!

Back on the street and lovin' it!

2009-10-06T12:22:00.002-04:00

Well it has been a long time coming but Big Daddy is back pounding the pavement!!! Yea baby, I'm putting bad guys in jail again! Yesterday was my first day back on the street. It started with the swearing in ceremony at 8am. Aza and her dad were there and that's all I cared about. We all walked into the Sheriffs office where I received and gave the oath. After that the Sheriff handed me my badge and said congratulations and welcome aboard. I was so pumped and excited. The best part of all for me really was that Aza pinned my badge on for me. I can tell you that I could only hope that some of you have a support system as good as I have. I just can't brag enough about her and words really aren't enough to fully understand the depth of love and respect I have for her and her dad. I call him dad because in my heart he is my dad. I go to him for advice and he has and always will be there for me and his daughter. I got a text from him later in the day that just simply said, “I'm so proud of you”. It doesn't matter how old you are those words meant everything to me. The really neat thing was that Aza said it to me as well just prior to that. Like I said, what an amazing support system.

So they left and I got the grand tour of the department. It is very organized and well put together. I had to laugh though, I walked around there for 2 hours and they hadn't given me any ammunition! I felt like Barney Fife for sure! I did finally get 48 rounds of 40 caliber ammo so I felt complete and ready to go.

The department had a policy on tattoos that if they were visible they had to be completely covered. Well I had no choice so I showed up with my entire right arm covered because I have a full sleeve (from the top of my shoulder to my wrist) tribal tattoo. When my F.T.O. showed up I noticed that he had a half sleeve and it was uncovered. I said, “Hey, how come you aren't covering your tat up?” That's when I heard those beautiful words!!! The Sheriff changed the policy. Wooo-hooo! Let em fly, so I did. I immediately hit it off with my F.T.O. He looks just like me, shaved head and tats. I got in his car which is a K9 unit. They have non aggressive K9's that are drug, bomb, etc. dogs which is cool. Of course as soon as I got in there that bastard starting passing some serious gas. This dog sh@t on me all day and laughed about it, so did his daddy. Whew it was bad, but God was it good to be the POLICE again. I had to laugh at my first call- a horse running loose! Are you kidding me really?!? Okay, so we didn't find lil horsey running around but hey, it was a call. We handled some domestics which are all about the same anywhere you are. Then the first alert tone came at about 1230, accident on the interstate, over turned van with serious injuries. Hell yea baby, lights and siren!!! Now its been awhile but I remembered how to yell and scream at stupid idiots that panic when they see a police car coming. So after sorting through a few F bombs we got there to find a van full of guys all cut up, bruised up and scraped up. Of course no one was wearing a seat belt. Making things even more of a pain in the butt, they were all Mexican and none of them spoke English. One of them had a right arm arterial bleed and massive blood loss. There were several paramedics there so no need to get bloody. I finally felt productive again and respected. We really only provided traffic control for the Highway Patrol but man did it feel good! We left that and handled a few more calls ending the day with me actually handling another crash but this time the at fault driver had a suspended license and a warrant. Jackpot! I get to put an ass in jail again! Man that was fantastic!!!

I was welcomed with opened arms by everyone. I was respected by command staff as well simply because they know that I have 28 years of experience. I was treated like a man again and not like somebody that just can't do any better or make it on the street. I know with time and learning their system I am gonna love it! The best part is I get to share it with my girl who is the love of my old ass life. I know I have a lot more days behind me than I do ahead of me but I sure am excited about sharing it with her and all of you again! I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

I'm actually updating my blog!

2009-09-23T14:18:00.003-04:00

Well I can't believe it but I am actually sitting down in front of my computer and composing a post.

Since my last post in January I am indeed alive and very well, of course please don't think that it has all been a bed of roses. I told you that I had plans of going to a smaller department. That has now evolved and taken shape however, it is not with the original choice as previously planned. I had to change that plan simply because of the greedy nasty ex living in that county. It was truly a great choice and one that I feel was right on time. I will be starting as a patrolman on October 5th and I am very excited. I went yesterday to get my identification card and a number of other necessities needed to do the job that I absolutely love. Aza went with me to get my uniforms sized and ordered. Thanks to her a size 38 in the waist does not fit anymore so I had to get a 40!!!!!!!!! I am not happy with that but boy do I love her cooking! Speaking of Aza, wow what a woman and best friend. It has been quite a year, she has been right there beside me supporting me all the way. It's such a great feeling to have unconditional love, respect and support from somebody that asks for nothing in return. Let me explain and share just one thing.

On July 17th I was at work and received a message from a co worker to call my attorney. This was 11am on a Friday. I called and was told that my greedy ass ex-wifes attorney filed a motion that was signed by a Judge stating that I was to pay him 5 thousand dollars by noon or turn myself into jail to serve a term of 180 days. I of course threw a fit but had to quickly compose myself. I immediately called Aza who in turn went right to work (she works best under pressure.) Within 45 minutes she had 5 thousand dollars waiting for me to pay that unethical bastard. I was floored by her offer but not surprised. I told her I wanted to go by my bank to see if they would give me the money so I didn't have to burden her with all that. Amazingly even though the ex has systematically attempted to destroy my credit, my bank came through for me and I paid the bastard. Now, here's where it gets unethical. Not only did I have to pay him 5k, he put in the order that I was to pay her another 1 thousand a month on top of the 3 thousand she already gets because he said that I was almost 17 thousand dollars in arrears from back bridge the gap alimony that I failed to pay. I was livid as was Aza. I immediately called the depository and was told that I owed absolutely nothing and had a zero balance. I called my attorney and am still waiting on a court date. Needless to say the nasty ex didn't get a penny. She was also supposed to give me the car back in February, I still haven't received it. We filed a Motion for Contempt. Why should I have to comply and she doesn't?!

The alimony is suppose to end this month but they took it out of my check again, so I am praying that it ends by my next check. I am so sick and tired of this woman that I could just throw up. Oh, I forgot she conned another dumbass like me to buy her a new car. She is driving a brand new 2009, while her daughter I am sure is driving my 2007, which I am going to trade as soon as I get it. So as you can see after all that my girl has been right by my side.

Aza has really kept me busy playing golf. I can safely say that I probably played over 50 rounds of golf this year. I am shooting in the low 80's now on a consistent basis and Aza is shooting in the 90's. I am so proud of her, she practices so hard and really tries to improve every round we play. I'll tell you what I absolutely love about her. I will get off work and come home to find her decked out in her golf gear looking adorable telling me to get dressed it's time to play some golf. I love that!

I had to put my dog to sleep that came with the property I live on. I cried like a baby. I was just devastated but it was time, she was 16 years old and very sick. Aza is a animal lover as you know and found a beautiful Shepherd/Collie mix that was chained up in the back of a yard for 4+ months, we went to see him and I fell in love the minute I saw him. He has fit right into the family. He is house broken, great with the kitties and is very handsome. So you can just see how happy he is that he has a solid home and people that love him.

Here's Gunny...

As far as the current job goes I have really enjoyed my time at the courthouse and really it was the right thing to do at the time. I have made tremendous contacts. I golf with Judges, go shrimping with State Attorneys at another Judges house which I took care of for 10 days while he and his wife were at their house in North Carolina. I have made wonderful friends that I hate to leave but it's just not for me. I am good at what I do and what I do is police work not sit around on my expanding butt behind closed doors everyday.

So I was playing golf with Aza a few days ago and my phone rang. I saw it was the other agencies number. I answered it and it was the Sheriff calling asking me if I was ready to come to work! I of course said yes, when and where. I had to do another physical and drug screen to be updated. I was at the golf course day before yesterday with Aza and the phone rang again. This time it was the Sergeant in charge of Human Resources. He said, “Are you ready to start work on October 5th?” I was ecstatic and accepted the job without hesitation. So I will be on the street again doing what I love best with a drama free home life. All I have to worry about is when the next day off is and where Aza booked our next tee time!

I will keep you posted on the progress.

I'm Out and We'll Talk Later!!!!

I think I am going to live!

2009-01-29T22:08:00.000-05:00

Wow has this a very stressful couple of weeks here in the big city!!! First, I want to thank each and every one of you for your kind words and support for my recent post. I do have an update and will share that with you.

After the shock wore off I did make an appointment with my doctor the next day. I walked in, sat down and presented him with my lab results. He listened to my concerns and promptly said, “If you should get a fever it would be in your best interest to immediately go to the emergency room!” Needless to say, that sat me straight up in the chair! I asked him a ton of questions that were all answered with the deadliest most fatal things you could think of, he was presenting worst case senerios. I of course was numb thinking I am dying with cancer, aids, leukemia and everything else under the sun. I was told that I needed to get another blood test done asap so we could compare the two and find out what direction to go in. So, I left knowing absolutely nothing but was even more scared than when I went in. Aza was waiting on me and I of course shared the visit with her. She was very comforting as usual, suggesting all along that it was probably a mild viral infection but, in my mind I was dying.

I had to work the next week and I will tell you that I was in no way myself. It showed in every aspect of my life. Poor Aza was doing everything that she could think of to make me laugh, keep me busy, or just take my mind off what was going on. She took me golfing, to the movies, rode the motorcycle all over and visited a few friends. It really did help so I am so grateful for her efforts. The day finally came which was last friday when I could break away to get my lab work done. I took off from work and flew out there as quickly as I could to get it done and over with. I was relieved that I at least went; which I can tell you was an acomplishment for me. I am the worlds worst when it comes to doctor visits. As mentioned in my pervious post, I can only attribute this to my parents. I took them each to their appointments when they were both diagnosed with terminal cancer, in both cases their illnesses started with low white blood cell counts. Of course I had to go through the weekend and all the way till Wednesday to finally get my report back. I called my doctors office and was told that I was going to live another day! My blood count went from 2.4 to 7.8 which was well above normal. I was ecstatic and called Aza pronto. She was so relieved and happy, she even threw in a laughing “I told ya so!”.

I am desperately trying to change my way of thinking in regards to the above. I learned that things aren't always as bad as they may appear. I will tell you that my aversion to doctors is not cured but I really would like to try. Aza has gotten me into something that I can tell you I would have never have even considered, Yoga! I love it!!! Ok guy's don't even think about laughing at me. If you haven't tried this, please try it. I was skeptical myself but after one 30 minute session that night I slept the best that I have slept in a long time. So, before you think I am a fruit cake try it!

I can tell you that I can only hope that each of you have somebody in your life that cares about you. I have the best support system that anyone could ask for. If it had not been for Aza, her dad and all of your prayers I question whether I would have even gone back. I did “man up” and thankfully it all worked out. Once again, thank you I really do appreciate all of your kind supportive thoughts and hope that if you should ever need anything you wouldn't hesitate to ask.

I'm Out And We''ll Talk Later!

A long overdue update and prayer request

2009-01-23T01:10:00.003-05:00

I really can not believe it has been so long since I have actually posted something on my blog. So much has happened, I’ll try to keep it condensed. We’ll start at Christmas…

Christmas was an absolute blast with Aza and her dad. She got me all of the safety equipment needed for my motorcycle, which I thought was incredible. I have never felt so cared for in my long 48 years of living. I thought when I bought my bike that I would be a macho biker and not get or need a windshield. So for 7 years I was one macho mo fo- with one heck of a neck ache! Since I retired and only have my bike to ride things have changed a bit. I am not so macho anymore. Aza bought me a Memphis Shades windshield as well as the lowers. In all spending a cool $400.00 dollars. I was so appreciative. I now wonder how in the world I went without this important piece of equipment. I used to have neck issues while riding, that almost completely went away. I have almost no resistance at 70 and 75 miles per hour on the highway. What a relief, thanks to my girl. She also bought the worlds loudest motorcycle horn. This horn almost sounds like a darn train horn, it is amazing and a great addition for safety. So basically she absolutely hooked me up, which I so appreciate. She is the best!

That huge surprise I was talking about in my last post? Well, we had an unexpected visitor on Christmas Eve. We were sitting on the couch and I thought I heard footsteps climbing the stairs on my deck. I look up and who do I see?, the future ex! Yep, that's right, big bag of crazy herself showed up at my house with a card in her hand. I was dumb founded and without words. I got up to open the door and she handed me the card and walked off saying “Just thought you should have this”. I again just stood there in shock. What a set of nuts! This woman has bled me dry, tried to make me look like a piece of dog shit in court and is still trying to accomplish this feat. The card was basically written using my step grandson as a pawn telling me he cries for me every night. I was not happy because she knows how much I love this child. Anyway, her disgusting attempt to guilt me back into her life didn't work. What it boils down to is this, she didn’t get awarded permanent alimony along with every penny I’ve earned for the last 27 years so she’s pissed. She figured she could show up, kiss ass and have me on my knees begging for her back. Hahahaha! Not likely you nut job! I have absolutely no reason to go back to living under that type of stress. So see ya!

I felt so sorry for Aza, I got a frantic phone call from her on New Years Eve around 10:30pm. She wanted to know if I had any connections in a nearby county. The reason, her nephew was killed in a traffic crash- he was only 20 years old. Oh I felt so sorry for her but as always she was and has been a pillar of strength and brought the entire family through this incredibly difficult time. God Bless her, she‘s been through so much but still keeps her head on straight!

Aza and I decided back in December that for the New Year aside from our regular local games we wanted to play a different golf course once a month for 12 months. It has to be a course that neither of us has played and it has to be outside of our city. She started a photo album and will put together pictures of each game at each new course. We started our first course for January in Deland Florida. “Victoria Hills” was absolutely beautiful and so much fun! She shot a fantastic score for only playing the game for only 7 months. We had a great time after as well. I got to meet some of her friends that live in central Florida and we all had dinner. We haven't decided where our February game will be.

I think I mentioned I may process with a smaller surrounding department. I decided to turn the application in to start the process. They told me to go get my physical and blood work done, so I did only to get a very scary and unnerving result. They told me that my white blood count was very low and to follow up with my primary care doctor. I of course was mad as hell but really more freaked completely out. Thank God again for my girl she has been my source of calm. I do not do the doctor thing. I honestly have in my own mind a significant fear of getting results of blood work etc. I know this developed because of all that I went through with my parents. Every time I took them they came back with terminal conditions. I just can not seem to shake that experience. So after all that I am going to follow up tomorrow so please keep me in your prayers! I will let you know.

So I am sorry for not posting, I have just had a lot on my mind as well as a lot going on. I will most definitely try a bit harder to keep all of you posted. I still am waiting on the judge to sign off on my divorce. This has been since Oct 16th!! Geez are you kidding me!?

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Merry Christmas To All My Fellow Bloggers!

2008-12-24T18:37:00.005-05:00

I hope that all of you have a very Merry Christmas or whatever holiday you may celebrate.

It has been a very fast paced year filled with a ton of emotions, oddities, surprises (a HUGE one today!) and other life altering moments. The one thing that I can honestly say that hasn't changed is my love for my very best friend in the world Aza and her family. The other is the warm and caring thoughts that I have for each of you that I have come to know through my blog. I sincerely hope that this is a special Christmas and most all, a very prosperous New Year!

Here's a picture of the Christmas tree that Aza and I put up.

God Bless you all! I've got a surprising update coming after Christmas but for now, I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Updates all around

2008-12-17T14:35:00.004-05:00

Well we made it through the first big holiday of the season just fine. Turkey day was a big success, of course Aza did all the cooking which was fantastic. She wanted me to ask a few of the guys I work with that don't have any real family to come over for the day. I thought that was a very sweet thing to do. Aside from a few friends outside of work, I asked four guys that I work with to come and they happily accepted. One of the guys brought his mother, which I was certainly fine with. I was pretty concerned when they got to my house, the first thing she did when she rolled up was freak completely out when she saw my 15 year old dog! She started screaming how scared she was of dogs so I had to convince her that the dog was perfectly harmless. After all that she finally agreed to come in the yard, only to ask the question “Do you have any more animals?” Oh geez lady are you kidding me!? Yes I replied, a chicken, 2 squirrels and 3 cats. She almost fell out screaming that she was afraid of all animals. I was thinking, "ok lady you just need to pack up and leave", but being the nice guy that I am I once again reassured her that all would be good. So, she finally walked in the door and I think had the time of her life after meeting Aza. Of course who doesn't? All that said I think it was a great success, Aza was phenomenal to everyone that came. She was a great hostess and they were all full as ticks when they left. Mission accomplished, big thanks to my Aza!

We have been taking a lot of trips on the bike. We just recently went to Daytona this last Saturday with a few friends of mine from work. Aza called a friend of hers that she hasn't seen in quite awhile and she ended up meeting us down there. When I met her I swear I thought Aza was there in double. This girl was just as crazy as Aza and wild as a buck! We had a great time. I bought some stuff for my bike at J&P Cycles. We also went to the Daytona Harley Davidson shop which was absolutely amazing. I walked out of there drooling and dying to buy a Harley but common sense and Aza prevailed. I rode my bike back to the ghetto with sadness in my heart but that's ok one day (very soon I hope) I will own a Harley.

In other news I got an interesting phone call from a good friend of mine a couple of weeks ago. He was a Lieutenant with my department, retiring early to go into the construction business when it was booming. Well needless to say it was not a great move. He is now working for a department near our city. He said that the Sheriff is wanting to hire retired officers with experience and my name came up. Since that call he’s called back every other day basically begging me to put in the application. The Sheriff has told him that he wants to restructure in the very near future, wanting some experience in his administration. I would make rank incredibly fast. So now I am faced with the decision do I go or do I stay. I am praying about it and talking it over with Aza who is in full support regardless of my decision. I will keep you posted.

We have a big occasion coming up on the 19th, Aza will celebrate a birthday. She is so deserving of so many wonderful things because she puts up with all my B.S. I am going to try and make it a great day for her. If you get a chance drop in to her blog and wish her a big ol happy birthday.

I hope that all of you have a wonderful holiday and an even better new year!! I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

I can't believe it's already Thanksgiving!

2008-11-24T15:19:00.001-05:00

Hey ya'll!!! I am sorry I haven't been able to post much, been really busy. I am still waiting on my divorce to become final it has been one heck of a slow process but I guess I am closer than before.

Aza and I have been super busy between the two households, she really is amazing taking care of both houses. We have been going to St. Augustine on the motorcycle the last few weekends. The weather has been great but unseasonably cold. We went down last weekend to see the pirate gathering. We hesitated about going because it looked like it was going to rain. We decided to go for it and of course it rained on us a little bit but not too bad. We had a great time as usual but I have to say the funniest thing that happened was a female pirate and several others decided to “siege” or take over one of the trolley's that carries people around on short tours. She jumped up on the trolley and when she did the wrap around skirt she had on went a little east to west and exposed her 60 year old cottage cheesy moon crater ass right there in front of everybody. I started stifling laughter and frantically flailing my arms to signal Aza to come look but she was way ahead of me with the camera getting a shot of a full moon up close. WOW, was it scary looking! We also have been hanging with a few guy's I work with that have bikes so we have been riding a lot. So much so that I have a major itch to buy a Harley Davidson. I have always wanted one but had always been told I couldn't get one. Well I got news for you I will have a Harley very soon. Not just now, it'll have to wait until I get all this divorce drama over with. Aza has gotten the same itch so she is looking for a bike as well. I knew she would get tired of riding “bitch”. She is very athletic so I think she will do just fine on a bike. I am not sure she is sold on a Harley but she did find a beautiful 2007 Low rider that she really likes so you never know.

Thanksgiving is of course a few days away and I'm going to have a house full; 10 at last count. Aza has the absolute biggest heart. She has decided that a few of our friends that have no spouses or family will join us for the big day. I think that is the sweetest thing and what a great way to make people happy on a day that might be very sad for them. After her mom died she and her dad had a number of holidays come and go that they celebrated together without anyone. She's made it clear that she doesn't want anyone we know going through that. That's my girl though always thinking of others beside herself.

So with that, I wish all of you a very happy Thanksgiving. I hope that those of you that need special prayers answered will have them answered! May God Bless All Of You!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

What is the meaning of "We"?

2008-11-05T23:24:00.002-05:00

First let me say that I am a firm believer that whoever leads our country should have full support from every American! I am appalled at what I am seeing and hearing from the black community. It’s mighty funny that the very people that want to be equal and be treated equally are now the ones that are using racial statements because “THEIR” candidate won the election. I have heard it for the last 2 years since he decided to run. All you hear (or at least all I’m hearing at work and around town) is “We did it” from the black community, meaning that “we” the blacks of America, got one of “ours” elected. Well I’ll tell you, America voted this man into office, not just the black community. The really sad thing is that it took a man of color to get the black community excited about our country. So to the black Americans that voted for him, I would hope that now you feel like your race has been vindicated that you would stop all of the belly aching and crying that has been going on about how you have been treated so unfairly for so many years!

Hollywood Divorce Update, Breaking News

2008-10-21T22:31:00.003-04:00

Well, I don't know if I should laugh, cry, be mad, or rejoice but here it goes. I finally got THE call at 4:15 pm yesterday. My attorney asked me, “What do you think the decision was?” I replied with, “Who the hell knows!?”

So this is what it all came down to. The lying, deceptive bitch will get a lump sum of $25 thousand dollars and for the next 6 months I will pay her $1750 a month, plus pay her insurance of $500 dollars each month. After that first 6 months it will drop to only the $500 dollars for insurance for the last 6 months. So basically she is only getting 6 months of “bridge the gap” alimony, $25 grand and a years worth of medical insurance. Overall I am happy with that because 6 months of alimony could have very easily ended up being 5 years of alimony. The judge saw through the b.s.

Now comes the really, really screwed up part. Her attorney said in open court that he had accumulated about $9 thousand dollars in fees that he felt I should pay, but yesterday that figure jumped to $18 thousand dollars that I was ordered to pay. I also have to come up with $3500 dollars within 10 days to pay him. After the first 6 months of paying the bitch, I have to begin paying his fees which broken down will be $1083.00 a month till it's paid off. Well today the judge was looking over the order and had a pretty good laugh when he saw 9K go to 18K over night. He told my attorney that I would only be responsible for $10 thousand of it and the bitch could pay the rest. Regardless, I still have to come up with $3500 immediately. What really burns my ass is that her attorney shouldn't get a damn dime, my first responsibility is to MY attorney.

This is going to be a tremendous burden on me for at least 6 months but I am very happy that it was not permanent alimony or for 2, 3, 4, or 5 years. I am very pissed off that her attorney has inflated his fees, I hope he chokes in his sleep. The dilemma I am faced with now is what do I do with the car. There's no way I can pay $640.00 a month on top of what I am having to pay. I am going to make her give me the car back so I can try and get rid of it somehow. She has already ruined my credit once when her ridiculous spending habits forced us through bankruptcy. I am just now starting to recover from that so I don't want to damage it anymore. I can tell you this, I could care less what she has to drive and at this point she could walk her happy ass down the road. The only satisfaction that I am feeling right now is that this little train will end in a year then she will have to find another dumbass like me to screw out of what he has worked for all his life!

So now I get to figure out how I am going come up with this $3500.00 dollars to pay her attorney in 10 days. I thought about male prostitution but figured that I would probably have to pay them so I guess that won't work. The only thing that I am truly happy about is I have my best friend in the world behind me and beside me which is my Aza. The bitch can't take my animals away from me or my happiness. So I hope that little bit of money makes her happy cause it won't last forever.

I also want to thank all of you for all of your support and allowing me to vent. This has been probably one of the best pieces of advice that my sweet girl Aza told me to do was start this blog. I have come to really look forward to talking with all of you! God Bless!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Sex, lies and photographs

2008-10-19T11:57:00.006-04:00

Well, the trial of the century is over, yes you would think that I was a multi-billionaire and we were Hollywood movie stars after all that. Let me give ya'll a condensed run down of events.

I gave my deposition and was drilled for 3 hours by her attorney. The depo went well in my opinion, although I felt like he asked some questions that were inappropriate and quite frankly none of his or her damn business. Regardless, I told the absolute truth. When it came time for my attorney to ask her questions one of the questions was about a trip that she took to New York in February. The question was who she went with, what did they do while there, etc. The bitch gave a name, we'll call him “Mr. X” from here, and said that they did not go shopping while there all they did was see the sights. She was asked about a few things regarding her financial status, she was questioned lightly on her 5 previous marriages before me and that was about it.

I went away feeling pretty good that it was all over. I can tell you it was very uncomfortable, especially when I was left in the room with her alone. NOT GOOD! Despite tremendous urges to tell her what a greedy horrible person she was and that Karma would come back to her on this, I held my composure and didn't say a word. My attorney called me a few days after the deposition and told me that she had some very interesting news. I of course was all ears so she proceeds to tell me that she subpoenaed Mr. X. When he received his subpoena he called to question why he was needed. The funny thing about it? His wife called too! Yes you read that right, Ms. “I am so sick and can't work” apparently had a torrid love affair with a married man. This affair lasted for several months which included trips to Cozumel, Key West, and New York all financed by him. Well Ms. Perfect was in a fix, she lied under oath (the first of many). She said that she did not have a sexual relationship with this man. This was all brought out when Mr. X's wife called my attorney to tell it all! I was thrilled to hear this information but all I could do was wait till the trial.

October 16th arrived I had to be at the court house at 8:45am. I arrived along with my best friend E. The trial began with her on the stand first because she filed. Her attorney kept her on the stand for over 2 hours with this sob story about how sick she is, how she just can't work, dropping 30 pounds, how she projectile vomits every 5 minutes, etc. Oh they really put on a show. Of course she showed up with absolutely no make up on looking like death. So finally it was my attorney's time to drill her. The usual questions were asked and then the walls fell in. My attorney hit her with “Do you remember me taking your deposition on October 3rd asking you about the relationship that you had with Mr “X”? She answered yes. The question was then asked again, “Did you have a sexual relation with Mr. “X”? The only answer she could give was a muttered “Yes”. That was the start of the downfall with her credibility. The bitch lied under oath and got caught on multiple occasions. My attorney then started on her bank statements, she asked her about a number of deposits into her account that totaled $4,000 dollars (None of which included my alimony payments). Of course her answers were “I don't know” and “I don't remember” to nearly every question asked. Oh are you kidding me!? Even the Judge stopped and asked her how she could not know where all this money came from, she again had no answer. The Judge looked very puzzled and irritated. So here comes the best part of the entire trial in my opinion, I hope you're sitting for this! Aza, my absolute hero in life, came across at least 75 photos of Ms.”I'm on my deathbed” on the internet from the Bicth's best friends Slide Show account a few days prior to trial. These photos were submitted on the last day evidence could be sent in which gave her and her attorney virtually no time to come up with an explanation. It was the break in the case in my opinion. They showed a wide assortment of posing shots with her looking like she was in Hollywood. She was made up in every picture partying like it was Marti Gras. In a good number of them she was posing with drinks (another lie, she said she didn't drink!) These pictures ranged from late 2007 up to a trip she took to a theme park just 2 weeks ago! The cool thing about was that every picture was admitted into evidence and not with the first objection from her dumbass attorney. She was blindsided! All she could do was sit there looking like she wanted to throw up. At this point I sat there thinking, “Please Judge, see through all this bullshit and see the lying, greedy bitch that she is”.

The first day was filled with testimony from her side including doctors trying to plead her case, so it was unnerving to hear that it had to be continued Friday. I was not happy.

The trial started at 1pm Friday the 17th, I went on the stand and was questioned by my attorney. I felt the questioning went very well. I was told that I came across as who I am, very honest and straight forward. Now it was her attorney's time to cross examine me. He only asked me questions about my financial affidavit and my retirement. I said it before and I'll say it again- It's all about the money. The dumbass drilled me about me getting 1 hour of overtime on one of my checks because in the depo I said that I did not get overtime (which I don't). I guess he felt that he really had something, what a joke. He only kept me on the stand for about 45 minutes. I got the impression that he just didn't have anything because I unlike his client, I told the truth.

Now the last witness strolled in which was Mr. X. Mr. X was drilled by my attorney about the affair and all the money he spent on her. That's when more of her lies came to the surface. He said that they went shopping in New York, which she said in the depo they didn't do. She also said that she never got of the boat when she went on the cruise. Mr. X said that she did get off the boat in Key West and walked all around. The Judge interjected asking him if she was able to keep up with the pace? Mr. X replied “yes”. Once again, credibility!

So the infamous trial ended with closing arguments from both sides. Her attorney had the balls to ask for permanent alimony, that I continue paying 3k a month, plus rehab alimony, bridge the gap alimony, and wants me to pay for her attorney fees which totals 9k dollars! My attorney simply laid it out that her creditability was absolutely in question and that it was short term marriage which in no way falls under the permanent alimony status. I was very happy and proud of my attorney's staff. I absolutely picked the best attorney, she was phenomenal and a joy to watch in action.

The final decision will come Monday morning because the Judge was overwhelmed with evidence. I can only hope and pray that while looking at the evidence and all of the photos, he sees through the lies and deception to render a fair decision. I will let you know.

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

A quick update

2008-10-01T23:56:00.004-04:00

Well I have been getting about 40 hours a week at work so I have certainly been busy the last few weeks. The job has really opened my eyes to our judicial system, especially the side that we as police officers don't see. I have also met some really great people that now include judges etc. We are on first name basis so it is actually pretty cool. It is still a bit boring in a lot of instances, but I have sat in several murder trials that were very interesting. So I guess all in all I am settling in to my new work life.

I know I said in the last post that my next post would be Queen Bitch free but I figured it’s been so long since I’ve written anything, I should update on that aspect of life as well. I won’t lie and say that my nerves aren’t shot over having to be in depositions with her all day this Friday for the upcoming divorce drama. I can not believe that this has gone this far. She is so damn money hungry! Oh boy is she playing it up for the upcoming trial, she has been getting all kinds of testing done so she can make it look good. God I can't believe this crap. Now tell me what you think, I am in the mind set of answering anything about finances, but nothing else if it isn't relative since she is trying to base the whole permanent alimony issue on her disability. Please tell me if you think I'm wrong? The final hearing is set for the week of October 15th, I guess we will see what happens.

Aza and I have been doing a lot of fishing in the last 3 weeks. We started at a friends pond where we caught just a few little bream, hardly big enough to put on a cracker and a little bass. We decide to try another friends place at a hunting camp. We caught over 30 bream there so I cleaned them and ate them the next night. We decided to change things up a bit so we bought 2 salt water rigs along with tackle etc. and went to a well known spot. In a nut shell a buddy of mine that I work with caught a 15 to 20 lb Drum and that was it for 9 hours of fishing. Aza and I have been back 5 times since then and with the exception of a 4lb catfish that Aza caught we have been on a big fat goose egg ever since. Needless to say, I won't be quitting my day job to take up an anglers' life anytime soon. We both absolutely love to fish so we won't give up, but damn it's frustrating as hell to drive 40 miles one way only to come back with nothing. We are planning on going tomorrow (Thursday) when I get off. We are going to try a new place so wish us luck! Although it would be nice to land Moby Dick, I really don’t care if we catch anything or not, my only expectation is to relax and clear my mind before this garbage on Friday.

I still haven't bought a cheap ride yet, I am still looking. I love riding my motorcycle it's just a little annoying getting wet every time it rains (which is pretty frequent in Florida). Plus it just chaps my ass knowing she is driving a brand new car and I can't even buy a $1500.00 dollar car!

Well I am really tired and just wanted to drop a line to let ya'll know I am still amongst the living.

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

The Queen Has Spoken!

2008-09-06T23:23:00.002-04:00

Well as you all know I love to keep my loyal and loving blog family in the know about the whole divorce drama. I had mediation on the 3rd which I knew going in was going to be a complete waste of time. It was. So I did what I was supposed to and showed up. Of course the Queen Bitch showed up as usual looking like something straight out of Tales From The Crypt! I was adamant that we not be in the same room simply because I didn't want to be around her. So in comes the mediator with her speil making sure that she told me that it was a mandatory fee of 2 hours at $195.00 an hour as well as a one time fee of $95.00 dollars. I was thrilled to hear that. So anyway the drama began. The Queen Bitch and her dumbass attorney gave a line of bullshit a mile long about her supposed illness. She also told the mediator that I could just take out as much money as needed from my retirement to pay her what she wanted and deserved, which is most certainly not the case!

The mediator came back and told me what all was said and all I could do was sit there and laugh. I had to explain to the mediator how this retirement and drop plan works so that she would know that I took the option to have it paid out in installments over the next 46 years, of course I probably won't live that long after all this crap. So after hearing all that, I told her that I would continue to pay her car payment on the brand new car that she just had to have. I felt that she deserved that and that alone (in reality my name is on the debt so it saves my credit for further ruin), she damn sure didn't help me with my career. The only thing she did was make me retire way too early because she had a clever little plan. The mediator left again and returned about 45 minutes later. She looked at me with a straight face and said, “They have a final offer of $125,000 dollars (Yes, that's One Hundred Twenty Five THOUSAND dollars!), $6,500 dollars in attorney fees and would like this in her account within 90 days. She will agree not to request any further alimony after the money is placed in her account”. I looked at her with that same straight face and laughed loud enough that they could hear me in the other room. The mediator actually laughed as well. I told the mediator, “Here is what I want you to tell them, Go F*** yourself, I'll see you in court!!” The mediator looked at me in total agreement and said, “I don't think I will quite put it that way but I will tell them.”

She came back a couple minutes later and told me she needed $237.50 because we would not have an agreement reached today. Wow, really?! Gosh, I thought for sure we could come together and unite!

So the next big day will be next month for the trial of the century. Geez, you would think that the damn Queen of England was getting divorced! Oh wait she is the Queen. Queen Bitch!

In my next post I will update on the job, the car hunt, critters etc. etc. etc. but not a word about the Bitch, I promise!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Hurricanes, Strep and Mediation

2008-09-02T21:15:00.002-04:00

Well we have survived “Fay” just to have “Hannah” and “Ike” breathing down our neck. Speaking of breathing down our neck, Aza and I went to Wal-Mart the other day and this young girl was behind me coughing, hacking and just overall yackin all over the place, mainly on my back. Now I'm sick. Aza is convinced I have strep throat because I took her to the doctor a few days back to get some x-rays and two women in the waiting room had strep. I missed several days of work because of the court house shutting down due to Fay and simply can not afford to call out with the flu. Now it looks like it could happen again if the Hannah rolls in the latter part of the week. I sure hope not because I don't get paid if I don't work. God knows I can't afford that when I have to pay 3k a month to Queen Bitch. The only reason I have to pay her that much is because my original attorney (the one I retained at the beginning of this whole mess) walked into the temporary needs hearing and signed away my soul. Queen Bitch's original attorney (the one that fired her as a client later in the process) made an outrageous demand and my attorney agreed. Needless to say I fired her immediately and retained my current attorney shortly thereafter. Unfortunately the damage (judgment for me to pay that amount) had already been done at that point.

So now, over a year later (this all started in July of last year) I have mediation with Queen Bitch tomorrow at 9am. This is what absolutely amazes me about all this, we didn't have a damn thing other than material stuff and she got every bit of that. I know you're probably getting tired of me whining about all this but that's just too bad, I feel like I have a reason. So when I show up at the mediation as soon as I walk in it will cost $195.00 dollars an hour with a 2 hour minimum. I also have to pay a $95.00 one time fee. Wow, I'm in the wrong line of work, I need to be a mediator. The funny thing is we all know Queen Bitch is not going to agree to anything less than what she is getting and she wants it for the rest of her life. Her attorney has already made it clear that they are going for permanent alimony. So really this is a waste of my time and my money. There was a time I would have considered helping her, but she can kiss my Big White Turkey Ass!!!!! Now if you're new to reading all of my divorce drama you are probably asking “Why won't you help her Kojak?” Well I can tell you she's a deceitful lying bitch, that's why! It makes me sick to my stomach when she shows up at court with no make up playing the part of the “I am so sick and can barely make it” act. It is a mockery of the system and the sad part is that she is benefiting from the game and that really pisses me off.

I have never been one to claim that I am without fault or that I have led a pure without sin life. I have certainly sinned yet I have always been man enough to say when I was wrong or admit that it was my fault if something was done that I caused. I just can not believe that she can lay her head on the pillow at night and sleep knowing that she is lying and manipulating the system the way she is. I can only hope that the old saying “Karma is a bitch” is true.

Aza has been so unbelievably busy raising the baby squirrels that came our way after the storm. Bless her heart she gets up every 3 hours to hand feed them through a syringe. They are so adorable and just so lucky to have a mommy like her, she is amazing! I am not sure I told you about the little baby chick that got caught in a rat trap that somebody left out. She got her left leg broken in the upper portion of her thigh. We have named her “Pogo”. Aza has many contacts in the veterinary field. We called and she brought her in to one of those contacts for an evaluation. The leg has a horrible break but we thought it could be saved. Aza felt as I did that a chicken has to have 2 legs for any real quality of life. That is mainly how they get their food. We opted to try and save the leg so she went into surgery to have a steel rod surgically placed. The last report was that she has done wonderfully and is recovering well. Lord only knows if this storms hits what will come our way, but one thing I do know is if anybody can save a life of a little furry or feathery creature it's my girl Aza.

So in closing I am on the couch sick as a dog. Aza has come over and is cleaning the pantry out, doing laundry, cooking homemade meatloaf, feeding the baby squirrels that she had to bring with her due to their feeding schedule and listening to me moan and groan, all despite having possibly separated or possibly re-broken two ribs in her back! Like I said before I am a lucky man!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

I'm here!

2008-08-26T18:18:00.003-04:00

Okay I know its been a longgg time and I would love to tell you that I have just been so busy at work and I just didn't have time, sadly that was not the case! I really just have been busy with everyday life. I am enjoying being home at night and off on the weekends but I certainly miss those 5 days off.

I guess the most notable is the latest storm “Fay”. It was not as bad as we were thinking it was going to be but we as a city did have some problems. Aza's house has a few new sky lights that weren't planned. They had a few heavy tree branches fall on their roof that caused the damage. I hate that for her family. Her Dad will be able to fix that it's just sad that it had to happen. I experienced some very heavy winds that brought down a lot of large branches but the Good Lord kept us all safe including all of our little furry family members and those with wings. I did get a call from a friend of mine and fellow officer from the street. He called to tell me that he found 2 baby squirrels that fell out of his trees due to the wind. He had no clue what to do so of course Aza, my hero, without hesitation says bring them to me. So now we have baby squirrels that require a special formula. Aza of course had that formula so we went to work and made a big batch for the every 1 to 3 hour constant feedings. They are adorable and already have little personalities even though their eyes aren't even open yet.

Well I went to court yesterday for the 3rd time for contempt of court. I was not happy to have to take another half a day off because due to the storm I missed 3 days since the city including the courthouse closed down. Retired officers like myself do not get paid for days that we don't work so while I really enjoyed the time off with Aza and her family I really needed the money. So anyway, I get to court and once again had to prove that I was not behind in paying the bitch. Her attorney has to be one of the most ignorant individuals I have ever seen. The entire time we were in court he kept referring to the proceedings as “Child Support”. Of course after 5 or 6 times of my attorney telling the Judge that this was not a child support case and that we do not have children together I think he just may have gotten the clue but I wouldn't bet on it. The Judge finally just started asking me the questions so after I explained my side he ruled that it appeared that I could possibly been right and that I really didn't get credit for one of the payments. Even after the Judge made that statement her ignorant attorney asked him, “So what is your ruling?” Wowwwwwww, what an idiot!!! The Judge looked at him and simply told him that it appeared that I had paid all of the money but he wanted the attorneys to check with the depository and double check it. So the bottom line was that I didn't have to pay the witch $923.08. When she walked out of the court room she was livid!!! Well you know I was loving that. As per her playing the part she came to court looking like double death and I mean double death! It looked like she hadn't been to bed in a week, no make up and dressed like a 90 year old woman. Of course this is totally not how she looks as you know but she sure is playing the game! So for now, to recap: I have no children with this woman, no property and yet since January I've paid her over 18 thousand (yes, you read that right) dollars. Hence, she is winning and I am hoping her winning streak comes to an end soon. It's just not right she is being so unbelievably deceitful about all of this.

Anyway that is about it, she is still living in the suburbs, I'm in the ghetto with my furry family and loving every minute of it. I still don't have a car yet only a motorcycle so I am getting wet just about daily. Well that's it for now.

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Another day in paradise

2008-08-04T22:34:00.002-04:00

I know that I haven't been writing much lately but I really am going to try to remedy that very soon. I have been on nights for so long that getting up at 6am 5 days a week has been quite a task.

I am settling in somewhat, I can tell you that it has been a big adjustment. One that I have no choice at this point but to buck up and enjoy the change. I have been going from court room to court room for training. It does amaze me at the repeat offenders that come through the system. The different Judges and their styles of running the court room are varied at best. It is beginning to look like I will be assigned to a County division which while they are not as exciting as the circuit rooms they are busier which is right up my alley. I am working with another certified bailiff that has yet to be hired. He is a super nice guy that comes from a law enforcement family. I do know that he applied for a federal job and is more that qualified education wise with a masters.

I get to see all the old timers that I use to work with years ago so we sit around and tell war stories about the old days. The big thing for the retirees is to get 40 hours as quickly as possible so that we can possibly get a 3 day weekend like the one I just had. So in a nut shell I am doing okay, just a bit bored.

Aza and I have been playing as much golf as possible lately. I took her to a really nice course last Saturday. I was sooooo proud of her! She has really jumped into this with both feet and is doing phenomenal. She recorded her best round at this course with a 100. I have helped in her in the past with a few strokes if she hit a bad shot but this day was different I didn't have to do that. It was such a joy to watch her after just 2 months of picking up a club shoot a round like that. I am telling you that the girl is cranking out drives of 180 to 200 yards on a pretty consistent basis. She struggles a bit with her irons but I am sure that it won't be long before she's cranking them out there too. I also had a great round for me with an 82, so it was a very enjoyable day for all.

I have another 2 days of court coming up with the future ex. I am so sick and tired of this B.S. She is taking me back to court on the 25th for contempt of court again. I have paid all I am suppose to and even showed proof that I was not in arrears but that just isn't good enough for her or her dumb ass attorney. Then, get this, on my anniversary the 27th they have depositions scheduled all day. This is just absolutely unbelievable. I guess one day it will be over but damn, how much more crap and money do I have to put up with and shell out? If any of you have any insight for any defense please let me know I would really appreciate it. So for now I guess I will get ready for bed it's past it my lil bedtime!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

It’s an adjustment for sure!

2008-07-21T11:02:00.001-04:00

Well as you all know all good things come to an end. Such is the same regarding vacations and retirement! That's right I am back to work and boy is it boring! Most of the courthouse has one speed, ssssllllllooooowwwww!

I started mid last week. I had to get up at 6am; damn, I haven't been up at 6am on purpose in so many years I can't remember. After 16 years of nightshift when the alarm went off I was ready to kill people, fight God and anything else in my way. I got up wanting to go back to bed so bad I couldn’t stand it but of course I knew I couldn't. After getting my animals fed I walked outside to get on the only means of transportation I have, my motorcycle to head to work. I rolled up at 7am, parked my beast and walked into the courthouse. I walked into the office and was met by 3 Sergeants. They all congratulated me on my retirement as well as welcomed me to my new job. I was told that I would be in courtroom #8 but not to hurry up there because that particular Judge would arrive whenever he felt like it. I received my briefing and headed up. I walked in to see 1 lonely bailiff. After confirming he did indeed have a pulse and was breathing, introductions were exchanged and I told him that I would be assigned to his area. He laughed telling me not to be in too big of a hurry. I asked him why and he said because this Judge is second in tenure so he does whatever he wants. I was told to sit back and relax. At this point I was internally bouncing off the walls so I took a seat, read the paper, magazines and whatever I could get my hands on. After 4 hours of doing absolutely nothing I was ready to head to the roof and throw myself off the building. I decided against that just in time, in walked the Judge!

This courtroom is for habitual offenders so we had 12 all together on the calendar. After 2 hours he was done. I did absolutely nothing but walk back and forth getting prisoners out of the holding cell. The Judge just sat around and told old stories of his college days, getting drunk, chasing women and a few other war stories. Then he simply got up, excused himself and left. Wow what a gig, but damn it was so boring.....

I felt so useless just sitting there doing nothing. I swore to myself that I was not going to work there because of that. I'll be damned, because of this nasty ass soon to be ex wife of mine, here I am. I will give it a shot it's really not that bad I am just not use to all that down time. I told Aza the best part of my day is texting her and riding my motorcycle back and forth to work!

I really hope I can muster up some funny stuff here shortly I know ya'll are probably bored to death with all of this crap but it's just what’s going on right now. I promise I will be posting some better stuff very soon!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Busy bee

2008-07-07T23:59:00.002-04:00

Hey everybody! Yes I am alive and doing pretty good. I have been keeping myself busy. Well, let me back up, Aza has been keeping me busy. I had to get all of my signatures on my exit report from the Sheriffs Office as well as turn in all of my gear which took most of last week. It's hard when you have no vehicle, but of course Aza was right there for me! Wow she is absolutely the best!

Aza as you know has picked up the game of golf. I started teaching her a little over a month ago. I am amazed at her progress. I took her to play with one of my best friends from the department ("S"), a couple of weeks ago. The girl chipped in from 35 ft on the 14th hole right before the thunder storm hit. That of course was followed up by all of us high fiving and screaming like a bunch of idiots. Now she calls me all the time wanting to go to the driving range, setting up tee times etc. I am soooo proud of her, she is doing so well. The thing that I absolutely love is her attitude. There is nothing worse than playing with people that get mad, start throwing clubs and get all pissed off. Aza stays calm and just laughs when she miss hits or misses a shot. It really is a joy to be with her. We have a 10am tee time with just me and her in the morning, baseball with "S" and friends in the evening and then another round with some friends Wednesday. She is so excited.

Aza is such an important part of my everyday life. We talk about everything so during a conversation last week I exspressed that I have been gone for over a week and nobody has called me from my squad to check to see if I am alive. I swear I'm not whining, but damn! I guess it's a case of out of sight out of mind! She and "S" got all sneaky on me and what was supposed to be a small cookout at my place Sunday turned out to be a huge gathering of my neighbors and a few of my old squad mates. I was so thrilled to see them and very touched that "S" would do that for me. It was alot of fun with some great food. We went bowling later that night and of course had a blast. Aza has kept me so incedibly busy on my time off which has really been a blessing. She has such a huge heart and worries about me missing the job. Did I tell ya'll she is the best!!!!

My girl "S" who as mentioned above (and is one of the friends we golf with) I know and worked with in the department; "S" has been on the street about 2 years. We really bonded pretty quick while she was struggling with just being a rookie etc. I kind of took her under my wing and took care of her. She is a sweetherat and a fantastic officer.

So in short I am here, I will be posting more after I get settled in. I bought a new computer the other day. I hate Best Buy for what they did to Aza, but they had a super deal on a Toshiba. I bought it brand new for $399.00 dollars. Aza's dad bought one too so I am trying to learn how to use it. Does anyone have any suggestions on a free or close to free Word program that has a decent dictionary lookup/spell check? I am so computer stupid but I am learning. Well, I am off to chill and watch a movie with Aza so I will be back in the saddle very soon!

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

A final farewell to J257...

2008-06-26T13:07:00.002-04:00

Well the ride is over for me as a police officer. I've worked my final day with my department. It was a very emotional day for me that was compounded by court hearings with the bitch the day before that absolutely left me exhausted; that will definitely be my next post. I may not be able to respond to comments or post after Friday for a few days as I have to turn in all of my gear by Friday. Until I can get my own laptop I will be working off of Aza’s. So let me tell you how my last shift on the street went…

I had a special ceremony that was hosted by our Sheriff at 9am. It was very nice with 12 officers and supervisors attending as future retirees. The Sheriff was touched and commented that he could hire new recruits, dispatchers, civilian employees and other personnel but he could never replace 455 years of experience that was leaving his department. That made a very big impact on me and set things in perspective.

After the ceremony I had a whole host of signatures that was needed to complete a small portion of the exit report. I was able to obtain most of those signatures, but still some are needed and will be done today since I have to turn in all of my uniforms etc…

At 3pm my sub station had a party for me that at least 100 people showed up for. I was basically the brunt of a mini roast that went on and on. It was very touching to see people that I have trained over the years talk about me as if they were giving a eulogy. It was emotional as I spoke to my family, for who knows, maybe the last time? I sat and listened as they were talking of the things they were going to do when they got back to work. The people that they wanted to hunt down so they could put them in jail. I sat and reflected on all the fun that I had with each individual officer and just couldn’t believe that the ride was over.

Aza was of course there to capture all of the memories of my last day with photographs. I laughed, cried and felt completely separated at times from the people that I fought with and laid my life on the line with everyday. I found myself sitting there in complete disbelief that it was really almost over.

Aza was absolutely phenomenal in this entire final few days of life as I know it. She allowed me to break down when I needed to and get a little frustrated when I needed to. I was so appreciative that she has been there for me, but really I would never have expected anything else from her. I just don’t know what I would have done without her during such an emotional time.

After the party I went out and had dinner with Aza and her dad who also had been very supportive. She took me to get some Sushi which is without a doubt my favorite. I had a young community service officer come with us as well as another police officer who is a very dear friend of mine. We ate some awesome Sushi, told some lies and just relaxed for a few minutes.

After dinner I went out and handled a few calls at my leisure even telling the dispatcher that I didn’t feel like handling a particular call and to give me the other one that had just gone out. The zone got a kick out of that and was burning up my computer, phone and every other instrument they could use to get a hold of me.

The big finally for me was something that caused a breakdown of emotions. I sent out a voice dispatch at 0250 hrs which was 5 minutes early before I got off.

I said, “HQ, I don’t think I want to handle anymore calls. As a matter of fact, I think I am going to go ahead and just go home 5 minutes early! I’m out.”

Well of course that sent my computer and phone ringing off the hook. I was bombarded with messages on the computer. The dispatcher sent me a message telling me not to sign off yet. I sat there waiting until I heard the alert tone go off twice alerting officers to pay attention, something important was going to be broadcasted. The dispatcher gave and unbelievable farewell on behalf of their division. Once again, chills raced down my spine and I was flooded with a ton of emotions that I just couldn’t hold back. She said the following…

“All units in Zone 4, I have a very important announcement to make regarding J257, Officer ----------.

On behalf of the Communications Center and all of ------ employees, we want to thank you for all your hard work and dedication to the ---------- Sheriffs Office. In 26 years of service, your honesty, integrity, leadership, and excellence have been very well appreciated.

At 0255 hours on this day, June 26, 2008, you will go 10-82 for the last time as J257, #0000. You leave us with a lot of special memories and good times that will not be forgotten.

So from all of us to you, enjoy your retirement and the many wonderful years ahead. We’re going to miss you!

HQ is signing off now at 0255 hours. KJH224!!!”

It was my final farewell and tribute to my 27 years of service to my department and the city. It was my final day as J257. I will never be a police officer again for my city. I know that this does not define me as a man, but it did define 27 years of my life that God was so kind to let me survive. The sad part about leaving for me is that I would never have signed up to retire but the soon to be Ex begged me, so I did. I didn’t and don’t want to leave but I did what I thought was right at the time. Now, she is trying to take all that away from me.

I have a little message for her, “Screw You!!! You don’t control me anymore! I will move on and enjoy my life. In fact, I think I will take Aza and play some golf with my friends tomorrow!!! Yea that’s right and I’m leaving my phone in the car!!!”

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Divorce drama

2008-06-23T00:29:00.002-04:00

Well tomorrow I will be in court again with the future ex! I had a meeting with my attorney so that we would have all our ducks in a row because this meeting is hopefully going to modify what I am paying her. Let me recap what this gold digging bitch is getting from me. I pay her 3k a month which includes her car payment and insurance. Remember I have no children with this woman nor property. The only reason she gets this amount of money is because she says that since she has “fibromyalgia” she can’t earn sufficient money to sustain her life style. Wow, it’s just that easy to earn basically starting pay for a police rookie just by saying she has a disability. Her lies are not only costing me dearly, they are making a mockery of women who are truly afflicted with fibro.

Now, this is fixing to get better because I know all of you are sitting there with your mouth wide open in disbelief. During our meeting, my attorney walks in with a new piece of information for me. Ms. Ed’s new attorney has filed a motion for contempt on me! Yes, you read that right! The basis for this? She told him that I was 1190.00 dollars in arrears in temporary needs. Ummmmm, first, you were sitting there when the magistrate gave the order of what I was suppose to pay. Second, I paid every penny of that and you know it. Finally and most important, it comes directly out of my check! How in the hell could I possibly be behind!? Then the document goes on to read and request that due to her “Fragile” health she needs dental work done in the amount of 1290.00 dollars. The ~~sucker~~ husband (that’s me) has the money to pay this and should pay it. Wow, that’s big, bold, brassy balls! It said “Fragile” 10 times at least. Needless to say, I just sat there stunned. What absolutely floored me was the statement “The wife prays that the court make the husband pay the back alimony as well as for the dental work that must be done. The wife also prays that the court would find that do to her “Fragile” health award her additional monies to sustain her lifestyle because the current amount is not enough. Finally, the wife prays that the court find the husband in full contempt and incarcerate him if the money is not paid”. Unbelievable! Hahaha, yeah, I see me payin’ her a load of cash from behind bars!

Let me tell why she has no money. She lives in a $650,000 dollar house with a room mate. I know that the house payment is at least $2,000.00 dollars a month. She is living in a huge high dollar community that she has no business living in and that’s why she can’t afford to live. Me, well I live in a trailer on city property, I can not afford to pay anything. You wanna no why? When I get my check once all of the money comes out that goes to her I have roughly $200.00 dollars (that’s two hundred) a payday (that’s bi-weekly) to live on! That’s right you, read that right too. To top it off, I retire in less than a week. I won’t have that kind of money coming in. I will not have the ability to go out there and work an extra job to earn extra money. I have to pay $800.00 dollars a month just in health insurance. I just can not believe that anyone could be this greedy and nasty. Well I take that back, I guess I can believe it after all of this.

I am so tired of it but here’s the thing, I may live in the ghetto (and I do) but I am the happiest I have ever been. So to her I say, “Go live in your high dollar house that I'm paying for, drive your high dollar car that I'm also paying for because deep down you will always be white trash and even deeper down, you know it. You’re a sad human being and Karma is a bitch baby!”

Here’s praying the judge sees who and what she really is!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Happy Fathers Day...

2008-06-15T00:40:00.004-04:00

This week I’m going to take a break from Silly Sunday in recognition of Father’s Day.

It has been 14 years since my father passed away at the age of 72. My Dad was a wonderful man, a great husband, and my best friend that was always there for me and my family. I have so many incredible memories of my Dad over the many years we were together that will last me a lifetime. I also have some not so good memories when my Dad whipped my ass for one thing or another, which I know I deserved. My Dad ruled with an iron thumb both in home life as well as his business life. My Dad gave me my first job at the age of 15. I worked in a large retail store with him. I eventually became the manager of a shoe store under his guidance until I turned 18 years old and moved into law enforcement. I was managed much more harshly than all of the other employees. I was expected to excel better than everybody else setting the example of perfection in the work place. I was called into his office so many times demanding to know why my department was down figure wise than the year before. I was told that if it was not corrected then obviously he made a mistake making me a manager. I stepped up to plate and motivated the other employees that worked for me until we pulled out the best months ever in the store history. So at a very young age I was put under pressure to perform, but it was a pressure that I would gladly except again just to say “I Love You” one more time.

My Dad had a rough last 5 years of his life as did our small family. I was an only child so the stress of making sure that as my folks aged I could take care of them grew as each year passed. My Dad decided that he wanted to drink a little bit after work and ride the bus home. So in 1985 while I was getting ready for work 2 police officers knocked on my door. I answered the door and was told that my Dad was hit by a car as he crossed the expressway. I learned that he was Life Flighted to a level 1 Trauma Center in very critical condition. I was escorted to the hospital by my co-workers where I sat for 14 hours not knowing if my Dad was dead or alive. My mother arrived in complete shock. The doctor finally came out telling us that he was alive, but things were going to be different. The accident left him with a severed left leg and a right arm that over time would require 18 surgeries. I had the pleasure of telling him that life as he knew it for the last 63 years would be very different. When I told him that his leg had been amputated he looked at me and said, and I quote “Well, I have had it for 63 years so I can live with out it. I’ll be fine.” I could only stand there in awe of this man that created me and just agree. I knew that he would be fine and he was. He was released a week later and sent home.

For the next several months I came over every morning to help him go to the potty and clean him. My thought process was that I would do anything for him because he would give his life for me. I took care of him until he was capable of going to the bathroom on his own. It was actually the most rewarding time of my life.

So after battling the loss of a leg, 18 surgeries on his arm and staff infection that almost took his life, he was diagnosed with cancer of the bladder. Once again I had to be strong for all involved. Cancer takes no prisoners and my Dad was no exception. He passed away on January 21st 1994, just one year after being diagnosed. I lost my best friend that day, but I got a guardian angel that will look out for me for the rest of my life. I miss my Dad but I know he is with me everyday.

I have been blessed with another gentleman in my life that I call Dad. Aza’s Dad has been a very important part of my life. He is always available to listen to me when I need to talk or just vent. His wise words are always so comforting in the most difficult of times. I have a deep respect for him and enjoy spending time with him because of his vast knowledge of just life in general. So for my second Dad I‘d like to say, “Happy Fathers Day and thank you for bringing so much joy to my life! Most of all, thank you for having a daughter that has the same gentle spirit of love that you do.” I am a lucky man to have had 2 Dads in my life.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

A vent

2008-06-13T13:37:00.003-04:00

I have thought about how to write this for the last few days. The thought process was do I tell this to everybody who reads my blog or do I just keep it to myself. Aza is the only other person that knows about this, so she of course told me that it was up to me if I wanted to share my story. I feel that some of you are like family even though we have never met, but honestly the only people that I really care about how they feel are Aza and her Dad.

I told you that I only had a few days left before I retire. This information has not changed, I leave June 27th. I also told you that I had considered going with a smaller department that bordered our city. That is true also, but things have changed. I started the process that eventually led to my polygraph which I passed with flying colors. It has been 27 years since I have been put through the ringer but none the less I was prepared because I had absolutely nothing to hide. I have had a stellar career, so much so that I was given tremendous compliments by our Sheriff today at a county wide roll call in front of 150 officers. I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before the polygraph only because I just can’t go to bed at 9 o’clock. I never hit the sack until 3, 4 or 5 o’clock in the morning every night simply because I have been on nights for 15 years.

I arrived the morning of the test at 8:30am and was greeted by the examiner. He was a 24 year veteran from Ft. Lauderdale the birth place of the Cops T.V. program. We talked for about 25 minutes before we got down to the nitty gritty. He explained the ins and outs of the test and told me that he didn’t care what has happened the last 27 years, just be truthful and everything would be fine. I of course had no intension of being anything but truthful. I was told that he would ask me a series of about 200 questions some of which would be asked on the actual test. The questions were very personal in nature and some were just plain stupid. I finally completed the series of questions and was exhausted. I felt like I had just been beat up and left for dead. He was eager to get going so he hooked me up to “ol sparky II” and was ready to interrogate and grill me. The test consisted of about 10 questions that were asked 3 separate times with about 25 seconds in between each question. Finally I was unhooked and told that the test was complete.

The examiner left the room for a short while and then returned with my sheet. He said that everything looked great, all of my responses showed a truthful reading and that I had passed with no problem. We shook hands and he said that he looked forward to seeing me again.

I left feeling relieved to say the least. I called Aza telling her that all was well. She of course being my biggest fan was very happy but knew that there would not be an issue. I have to tell all of you that I had to borrow her car to go to the test because I can’t take my police car that far out of county. When I got in, she had a card with my name on it taped to the steering wheel that had absolutely the most comforting words in it that I have ever read. I love her, she is so good to me.

I got a phone call later in the day from the department telling me that I needed to be back out there Thursday morning at 8am to run their P.A.T. test. I was excited because I was that much closer to getting back into police work. A day went by that was very busy for us (I had a ton of errands all afternoon) so I was exhausted eventually going to bed and waking up about 9:30am. I picked up my phone and saw that I had a voice mail. I called my messaging system and heard a message that sent me first, into complete nausea and then ready to throw my guts up. As I listened in absolute disbelief the voice on the other end says “This call is for officer ‘Kojak’, we need to cancel your P.A.T. test. We will be in touch with you”. Now I am not a stupid man I know what that means. It means we don’t want your ass so forget our number. I called immediately and spoke to the lady that left the message. I was told that I was no longer a candidate for employment due to the result of my polygraph! I told her that she had to be kidding me, she said “No, I am not kidding you. Call Inspector Harvey.” I couldn’t punch the numbers fast enough. I got him on the phone and was told that one of the questions that I responded to truthfully really set off the Major. So much so that he immediately suspended my status.

I am going to be honest with you, the question was “Have you ever has sex while on duty?” I went numb first then got pissed. I told him that I answered it with a truthful answer as the test showed. I explained the circumstances behind the answer. It was over 15 years ago with my first wife on my lunch break. She had called and asked that I take lunch at home that day. I logged out, went home to eat and something happened. My answer fell on deaf ears. I was simply not what they were looking for I was told.

Now, I can honestly tell you that I don’t know too many officers that haven’t done something like that in their career (and not necessarily with their spouse). It is absolutely not something that I am proud of but I can tell you that when I was in training if you didn’t you were considered a plant, gay, or you were not one of the guys. Although peer pressure back in the day was tremendous it was not something I folded to. It is a very dark side of being a police officer that I am not proud of but it is what it is. Yes, I did something with my then wife while on lunch. I was man enough to admit it to him and I am man enough to tell all of you. I have never stolen anything, I am not a child molester, crack head or a rogue police officer that beats the shit out of suspects for no reason. I told the truth and I have been persecuted for that. I was told as much that it probably should have been something that should have never come out. Hmmm, so lie about it!?!? Are you kidding me?!

So there it is folks I am not good enough to be an officer for that department. I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and completely devastated. I stand by the fact that I was truthful, but I refuse to believe that I am not good enough!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Silly Sunday

2008-06-08T13:00:00.003-04:00

Time doesn’t stand still for anybody; I only have 10 more working days until I retire! I can’t believe it is time already. I am processing with another agency. I have to go Monday {tomorrow} morning to take a polygraph and a crazy test so wish me luck on both!!! I will let you know what happens. Now on to Silly Sunday…

To recap Silly Sunday, each Sunday I will post a funny article, story, joke etc. If you would like to participate, send me your funny or feel free to share it in the comments. If you email it to me I will post it (assuming it’s not sexually explicit or crammed with obscenities) along with a link to your blog so folks can take a look at your work.

This weeks submission is courtesy of Aza’s dad. He doesn’t have a blog but you don’t have to have one to submit something for Silly Sunday. Thanks dad!

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Five Surgeons

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on. The first surgeon, from New York, says, 'I like to see accountants on my operating table because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.'

The second, from Chicago, responds, 'Yeah, but you should try electricians! Everything inside them is color coded.'

The third surgeon, from Dallas, says, 'No, I really think librarians are the best, everything inside them is in alphabetical order.'

The fourth surgeon, from Los Angeles chimes in: 'You know, I like construction workers... Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.'

But the fifth surgeon, from Washington, DC shut them all up when he observed: 'You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains and no spine, and the head and the ass are interchangeable.'

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Please don’t insult yourself or me by pulling that card!

2008-06-05T13:27:00.002-04:00

Well, it has started and I really didn’t think it would, this soon at least. I got a call yesterday to a local gas station in regard to a fuel theft. I rolled up and was met by a middle aged woman that had a small 4 year old with her. I asked her how I could help her. "Ms. Blue" begins to tell me that she rolled up to the gas pumps and inserted her debit card expecting to pump $20 dollars. The transaction processed and returned with a message stating "See Cashier". She got back in her vehicle, drove up to the front entrance of the station and walked inside. She approached the clerk, told her what the pump said and the clerk explained that it was no problem, she would set the pump inside for $20 dollars. Ms. Blue paid for the gas and several other items that she shopped around for and went back to her car. She then saw a vehicle pulling off from the pump that she had vacated. Learning that this person had just pumped her $20 dollars worth of gas and took off, Ms. Blue was naturally very upset, which I completely understood. I interviewed the clerk and came to the conclusion that both stories matched so I went back to talk to Ms. Blue. I explained to her in a very compassionate way that I was sorry for what happened but there was not much I could do but write a theft report for her. The first words she spat at me in an incredibly venomous tone were "Oh I see how it is, you think because I am black I’m dumb!" Then she raised her voice inside the store yelling "That’s okay, when Obama gets in there things are gonna change!" At that point I had a gut full and with my 2 weeks left before I retire I said, "Let me explain something to you, race has absolutely nothing to do with this call or what happened to you so don’t try pulling that card!" She muttered a few other things under her breath and demanded to speak to my supervisor. "Gladly!" I said "I’ll call him."

My Seargent arrived and told her basically the same thing I did. Ms. Blue was adamant that we make the gas station give her the gas. We both again explained that we couldn’t force them to do that. We told her to call her debit card company, dispute the transaction, then come see the manager as they instructed her in the store.

Ms. Blue was raging mad and once again attempted to make it a racial incident. It fell on deaf ears. There was a tattooed guy inside the store who just so happened to be caucasian that gave her $15 dollars to get gas. What’s funny to me is he was the only one to step up to the plate and try to help this lady. Hmmm wonder if she still feels the same way.

I can honestly say that when I handle calls I could care less what color you are. Race has nothing to do with it when you violate a law or need assistance. Right is right and wrong is wrong! Please don’t try to make it a race issue when the bottom line is either you screwed up and did something wrong or you just can’t admit that you’re an idiot. I think we are in for a long hard road in the next 152 days. This is what I won’t miss about this job!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Silly Sunday

2008-06-01T23:58:00.001-04:00

Wow, the weeks are just flying by! I can’t believe it’s already time for “Silly Sunday” again!

To recap Silly Sunday, each Sunday I will post a funny article, story, joke etc. If you would like to participate, send me your funny or feel free to share it in the comments. If you email it to me I will post it (assuming it’s not sexually explicit or crammed with obscenities) along with a link to your blog so folks can take a look at your work.

This weeks submission was sent in by my new golf student, my absolute best friend and Glock N’ Cuffs co-author/editor, Aza over at Surreptitious Psychosis last week. However, Dad emailed me the Dave Barry “colonoscopy” funny and she wanted to post his first.

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New Drugs For Women

D A M N I T O L

Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8 full hours.

ST. M O M M A'S W O R T

Plant extract that treats mom's depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to two days.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N

Suppository that eliminates melancholy and loneliness by reminding you of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O

Liquid silicone drink for single women. Two full cups swallowed before an evening out increases breast size, decreases intelligence, and prevents conception.

D U M B E R O L

When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ, resulting in enjoyment of country music and pickup trucks.

F L I P I T O R

Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road rage and the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N

Potent anti-boy-otic for older women. Increases resistance to such lethal lines as, "You make me want to be a better person . Can we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A

Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases potency, duration, and credit limit of spending spree.

J A C K A S S P I R I N

Relieves headache caused by a man who can't remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T
A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers in elevators.

N A G A M E T

When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation level as nagging him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing it herself.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Man, I'm gonna miss this stuff!

2008-05-28T14:54:00.001-04:00

I realized the other day just how close I really am to leaving this job that I love so much. I heard a buddy of mine ask for 10-33 traffic, which means that only he is suppose to talk so that he can tell us what he has etc.. The situation was pretty serious, he was confronted with a loaded 380 by a known juvenile dope boy. The suspect took off running and of course the chase was on. I took a position on the outside perimeter as did a number of other officers. The air unit responded as well as K9 so we had the guy pinned in. We knew he was ours for the taking. I have to give the ol boy props he led us on a good foot chase for over 45 minutes running from one apartment complex to the next eventually settling into a large buy here - pay here car lot.

I was patient on the post that I was at knowing that if everybody starts moving from their spot it could mean an easy escape route for our lil dope dealing, gun toting rabbit. The air unit calls my unit number telling me to adjust my position a little further south so I did. That was a great idea because not 5 minutes later I hear another friend of mine yelling that he was running south towards the front of the perimeter. My old ass was getting excited cause he is headed straight to me. All of a sudden I see him running like a gazelle, eyes the size of saucers with my buddy right behind him taser in hand. I start to get closer and I see the red dot pointed at his back. I hear the wonderful sound of the taser being deployed and I see our suspect prone out in mid air screaming like he just got shot with a bazooka. The suspect does a face plant, sliding about 5 feet in the dirt. The wave of blue was phenomenal. Suspect in custody.

After much high fiving, back patting and bragging we called rescue as is standard when someone gets tased. They gave us their blessing that he would live to run again from the police. Now medically cleared, I decide it is time to start the “walk of shame”.

With about 3 weeks to go before I leave I decided that we were going to provide the on-lookers in the dope infested apartment complex a little show and hopefully make a point. I told my boys to stand him outside the car and start walking towards their cars that were parked a good 300 yards from the apprehension. They started walking and I got on my P.A. system and said the following, “Ladies and Gentleman this is what happens when you run from the police. You will be caught, handcuffed, spanked a little in taser form and completely humiliated. If this is your dope boy, you will not be getting dope from him tonight so you better call your other dope boy Pookie to get your fix. Thank You for your cooperation!” Everybody was about to fall out laughing including the on-lookers. One of my boys said, “Only you could do that! What do you care, you’re leaving in couple weeks.” I smiled, laughed a little and cried a little inside as well, cause I am really going to miss this stuff.

I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Silly Sunday

2008-05-25T12:04:00.005-04:00

Well, it’s “Silly Sunday” time again. Good grief, where did this week go? Time has literally seemed to speed up as my retirement date approaches.

To recap Silly Sunday, each Sunday I will post a funny article, story, joke etc. If you would like to participate, send me your funny or feel free to share it in the comments. If you email it to me I will post it (assuming it’s not sexually explicit or crammed with obscenities) along with a link to your blog so folks can take a look at your work.

This weeks submission was sent in by someone near and dear to my heart, my best friend and closest confidant, Aza- over at Surreptitious Psychosis. However, her ~~and my adopted~~ dad, better known as just “Dad” around here, also sent in a submission. After reading it aloud and laughing her head off Aza insisted I post his and with good reason, it’s hilarious. She (and Dad) also insisted I go get a colonoscopy "posthaste". Thanks for the submission, Dad!

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A journey into my colon -- and yours
by Dave Barry

OK. You turned 50. You know you’re supposed to get a colonoscopy. But you haven’t. Here are your reasons:

1. You’ve been busy.
2. You don’t have a history of cancer in your family.
3. You haven’t noticed any problems.
4. You don’t want a doctor to stick a tube 17,000 feet up your butt.

Let’s examine these reasons one at a time. No, wait, let’s not. Because you and I both know that the only real reason is No. 4. This is natural. The idea of having another human, even a medical human, becoming deeply involved in what is technically known as your ‘’behindular zone’’ gives you the creeping willies.

I know this because I am like you, except worse. I yield to nobody in the field of being a pathetic weenie medical coward. I become faint and nauseous during even very minor medical procedures, such as making an appointment by phone. It’s much worse when I come into physical contact with the medical profession. More than one doctor’s office has a dent in the floor caused by my forehead striking it seconds after I got a shot.

In 1997, when I turned 50, everybody told me I should get a colonoscopy. I agreed that I definitely should, but not right away. By following this policy, I reached age 55 without having had a colonoscopy. Then I did something so pathetic and embarrassing that I am frankly ashamed to tell you about it.

What happened was, a giant 40-foot replica of a human colon came to Miami Beach. Really. It’s an educational exhibit called the Colossal Colon, and it was on a nationwide tour to promote awareness of colo-rectal cancer. The idea is, you crawl through the Colossal Colon, and you encounter various educational items in there, such as polyps, cancer and hemorrhoids the size of regulation volleyballs, and you go, ‘’Whoa, I better find out if I contain any of these things,’’ and you get a colonoscopy.

If you are a professional humor writer, and there is a giant colon within a 200-mile radius, you are legally obligated to go see it. So I went to Miami Beach and crawled through the Colossal Colon. I wrote a column about it, making tasteless colon jokes. But I also urged everyone to get a colonoscopy. I even, when I emerged from the Colossal Colon, signed a pledge stating that I would get one.

But I didn’t get one. I was a fraud, a hypocrite, a liar. I was practically a member of Congress.

Five more years passed. I turned 60, and I still hadn’t gotten a colonoscopy. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I got an e-mail from my brother Sam, who is 10 years younger than I am, but more mature. The email was addressed to me and my middle brother, Phil. It said:

"Dear Brothers, I went in for a routine colonoscopy and got the dreaded diagnosis: cancer. We’re told it’s early and that there is a good prognosis that they can get it all out, so, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that. And of course they told me to tell my siblings to get screened. I imagine you both have.”

Um. Well.

First I called Sam. He was hopeful, but scared. We talked for a while, and when we hung up, I called my friend Andy Sable, a gastroenterologist, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy. A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a color diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Minneapolis. Then Andy explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring and patient manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, “HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP YOUR BUTT!”

I left Andy’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called "MoviPrep," which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later; for now suffice it to say that we must never allow it to fall into the hands of America’s enemies.

I spent the next several days productively sitting around being nervous. Then, on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day; all I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavor

Then, in the evening, I took the MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one-liter plastic jug, then you fill it with lukewarm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a liter is about 32 gallons.) Then you have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes -- and here I am being kind -- like a mixture of goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.

The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by somebody with a great sense of humor, state that after you drink it, “a loose watery bowel movement may result.” This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.

MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic, here, but: Have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with you as the shuttle. There are times when you wish the commode had a seat belt. You spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another liter of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not even eaten yet.

After an action-packed evening, I finally got to sleep. The next morning my wife drove me to the clinic. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, "What if I spurt on Andy?" How do you apologize to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.

At the clinic I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the hell the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that, when you put it on, makes you feel even more naked than when you are actually naked.

Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep. At first I was ticked off that I hadn’t thought of this, but then I pondered what would happen if you got yourself too tipsy to make it to the bathroom, so you were staggering around in full Fire Hose Mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.

When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and an anesthesiologist. I did not see 17,000-foot tube, but I knew Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point. Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthesiologist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand. There was music playing in the room, and I realized that the song was Dancing Queen by Abba. I remarked to Andy that, of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, Dancing Queen has to be the least appropriate.

"You want me to turn it up?" said Andy, from somewhere behind me.

"Ha ha," I said.

And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squeamish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.

I have no idea. Really. I slept through it. One moment, Abba was shrieking "Dancing Queen! Feel the beat from the tambourine . . ." and the next moment, I was back in the other room, waking up in a very mellow mood. Andy was looking down at me and asking me how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colors. I have never been prouder of an internal organ.

But my point is this: In addition to being a pathetic medical weenie, I was a complete moron. For more than a decade I avoided getting a procedure that was, essentially, nothing. There was no pain and, except for the MoviPrep, no discomfort. I was risking my life for nothing.

If my brother Sam had been as stupid as I was -- if, when he turned 50, he had ignored all the medical advice and avoided getting screened -- he still would have had cancer. He just wouldn’t have known. And by the time he did know -- by the time he felt symptoms -- his situation would have been much, much more serious. But because he was a grown-up, the doctors caught the cancer early, and they operated and took it out. Sam is now recovering and eating what he describes as “really, really boring food.” His prognosis is good, and everybody is optimistic, fingers crossed, knock on wood, and all that.

Which brings us to you, Mr. or Mrs. or Miss or Ms. Over-50-And-Hasn’t-Had-a-Colonoscopy. Here’s the deal: You either have colo-rectal cancer, or you don’t. If you do, a colonoscopy will enable doctors to find it and do something about it. And if you don’t have cancer, believe me, it’s very reassuring to know you don’t. There is no sane reason for you not to have it done.

I am so eager for you to do this that I am going to induce you with an Exclusive Limited Time Offer. If you, after reading this, get colonoscopy, let me know by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Dave Barry Colonoscopy Inducement, The Miami Herald, 1 Herald Plaza, Miami, FL 33132. I will send you back a certificate, signed by me and suitable for framing if you don’t mind framing a cheesy certificate, stating that you are a grown-up who got a colonoscopy. Accompanying this certificate will be a square of limited-edition custom-printed toilet paper with an image of Miss Paris Hilton on it. You may frame this also, or use it in whatever other way you deem fit.

But even if you don’t want this inducement, please get a colonoscopy. If I can do it, you can do it. Don’t put it off. Just do it. Be sure to stress that you want the non-Abba version.

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I'm Out And We'll Talk Later!

Just a thought

2008-05-24T14:11:00.003-04:00

Sometimes we get so busy in our daily lives that we don’t take the time to look around and see when people that we know are going through trials and tribulations. I have certainly been going through some of that myself as you know, but so has everybody else. When we go through these times we often feel like know one else is going through what we are and even if they’ve been there or are there, it was/is no way as bad as what we’re experiencing. But really, that couldn’t be the farther from the truth. There is always somebody else that is going through something just as bad and in some cases even worse. I do know that all things pass in time, situations will tend to fade, pain eases and life gets easier.

Many people handle situations that come up in very different ways. I’ve noticed in my profession many are apt to ‘suffer in silence’, for a lot of us it’s just part of the job. I for one like to have friends and family close by so that I can keep my mind busy with conversation etc. However, I sometimes tend to get quiet depending on what type of situation I may be dealing with. So I guess what I am trying to say is keep an eye out for people that you care about. Don’t get wrapped up in your own situation so much that you tune everybody else out, making them feel that they are not important in your life. Both Aza and her dad have a sixth sense, they can just tell or feel when something isn’t right so they will call me just to check on me. Of course sure enough something has happened so I will tell her or her dad about it which makes me feel better, especially knowing that I have somebody that cares enough about me to take time out of their busy day just to see what’s going on.

So in closing, call somebody today, drop a card in the mail, e-mail a friend or family member that you haven’t seen or heard from in awhile just to let them know that you are thinking about them. If that’s not possible, sit for a moment and offer some positive energy or a prayer. Remember the old saying “a burden shared”? It doesn’t matter if you have never met this person face to face. I have never met some of you but have found myself offering a prayer after reading about your trial. We may be strangers but there is a human connection that transcends the miles between all of us. During dinner prayer last week Aza mentioned a woman that she met through blogging. She doesn't know her real name and has never met her in real life but she knew that she was in the hospital. I think if you will do this it will make you feel pretty good about yourself and if it doesn’t then it might be time to do a little soul searching.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

It's all green, baby!

2008-05-19T23:21:00.002-04:00

I have always been a very athletic person playing baseball, basketball, softball and golf all of my life. Of course as I’ve aged some of these activities have gotten a little harder to play, but I have always enjoyed playing golf. It’s the game you love to hate in my opinion. When I was with Ms. Ed I occasionally played golf with my co-workers but it just wasn’t the same as it was before I married her when I was out there mainly because I was never comfortable. If any of you have ever played golf you will know what I am talking about, you have to be focused with no problems going on in your life to play at your best and really enjoy yourself. Unfortunately that just never seemed to be the case. Now I am not saying every time I played something was going on with us, but the majority of the time it was. Frequently she would start some kind of b.s. argument and it always seemed like it was when I was scheduled to play the next day or that afternoon. I knew it was getting bad when I went to play with the boys and she called every 10 minutes questioning where I was and who I was with. I was married to my phone and quite frankly it was incredibly embarrassing that at my age I was being treated like a child. Seriously, I would be on the course, she would call, she’d hear us playing golf- hell, I could even send her a picture with my cell and she’d still think I was up to no good! I honestly did not deserve to be dealt with in that regard because I never gave her any reason to question my faithfulness to her or to my family. I just simply wanted to enjoy some fun with my friends/co-workers and enjoy the game.

I had not played in close to a year since all this divorce crap came up. Plus, she wouldn’t give me my stuff which included my golf clubs until ordered to do so just a few months back. When I got my clubs which were very expensive {Callaway} I noticed that I was missing my 7 iron. What in the hell would she possibly want with my 7 iron? Needless to say, I was not happy but thankful that at least I had my clubs. Aza kept insisting that I go play with my buddy and I kept saying no simply because I really didn’t have the money. I gave in the other day playing with my Sgt and his dad. I really had no expectations because I knew it was probably gonna be pretty ugly. When I was playing regularly I was shooting mid 80’s pretty consistently, so I knew it would higher than that with such a long hiatus. I felt good though so I thought just maybe I would have a good day. We teed off around 9:30am, it was a gorgeous unseasonably cool day and my golf game was phenomenal for not playing in a year! I hit the ball the best I have hit it in a long time. I was crushing the ball averaging drives of about 250 to 275 the longest being 291 yards. Needless to say, I was very happy and the end score was 89. I called Aza and was so excited.

So my next game is scheduled for tomorrow and I can’t wait! Aza is coming over in the morning to wait on a UPS delivery for me while I hit the green. I’m finally at ease and relaxed with myself, the people around me and my situation.

I attribute this to being extremely happy with my life, even though I am leaving a job that I love in about 4 weeks and still attempting to weather this divorce. I was talking about it with Aza telling her that I was so relaxed and comfortable while on the course last time. Not having to worry about my phone blowing up, what kind of crap she was going to start, what kind of accusations would be made or what was going on with her wondering what the hell I was doing or who I was with was so incredibly refreshing. I told Aza that I had the best time because I was just so relaxed. I have to tell you that I completely give Aza all the credit for this. If it wasn’t for her and her family I just don’t know where I would be. She has made life fun again, now I don’t worry about anything except taking care of my animals, which now includes baby chickens (I will get around to that story sooner or later, and maybe a few pics), figuring out what kind of fun we are going to get into and what project we’re going to start next. We have the best times together and I‘m finally genuinely happy; what more could I possibly ask for? Well, maybe my 7 iron !!!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Silly Sunday

2008-05-18T22:57:00.005-04:00

Welcome to another installment of “Silly Sunday”!

To recap Silly Sunday, each Sunday I will post a funny article, story, joke etc. If you would like to participate, send me your funny or feel free to share it in the comments. If you email it to me I will post it (assuming it’s not sexually explicit or crammed with obscenities) along with a link to your blog so folks can take a look at your work.

This weeks submission was sent in by Old NFO who is retired Navy over at Nobody Asked Me…. Thank you for your service to our country, sir and thanks for the submission!

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Ten Reasons Men Prefer Guns Over Women....

#10. You can trade an old .44 for a new .22.

#9. You can keep one gun at home and have another for when you're on the road.

#8. If you admire a friend's gun and tell him so, he will probably let you try it out a few times.

#7. Your primary gun doesn't mind if you keep another gun for a backup.

#6. Your gun will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.

#5. A gun doesn't take up a lot of closet space.

#4. Guns function normally every day of the month.

#3. A gun doesn't ask, 'Do these new grips make me look fat' ? ?

#2. A gun doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.

#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A GUN ! !

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

My latest rant

2008-05-17T23:55:00.000-04:00

I have been so busy lately that I didn’t realize how long its been since I posted.

Now to my latest rant. I was with Aza at Wal-Mart a few nights ago and wow did I find something to post about.

We had to get a few things for her family as well as a few things for me. Of course it’s Friday and every low income dirt bag on welfare is there to get their government cheese. Let me make it clear that when I say “low income”, I mean low income by choice, not by circumstance.

Note to those unfamiliar with “EBT” and “WIC“: An EBT or Electronic Benefit Transfer card is an electronic system that allows state governments to provide benefits to authorized recipients via a plastic debit card. Common benefits provided via EBT are typically sorted into two general categories: Food Stamp and Cash benefits. Food stamp benefits are federally authorized benefits that can be used only to purchase food. Cash benefits include State General Assistance, TANF (Temporary Aid for Needy Families) benefits and refugee benefits.

EBT should not be confused with WIC also know as “Special Supplemental Nutrition Program for Women, Infants and Children“. WIC is a federal assistance program for the healthcare and nutrition of low-income pregnant women, breastfeeding women, infants and children under the age of five. The eligibility requirement is a family income below 185% of the U.S. Poverty Income Guidelines. If a person who participates in other benefit programs, or has family members who participate in the Food Stamp Program, Medicaid, or Temporary Assistance for Needy Families, they automatically meet the eligibility requirements.

So, this young couple was in front of us with 2 carts absolutely loaded with high dollar food items and EBT card in hand. I saw a newborn baby in the cart as well as a toddler which was probably 4. I watched as they unloaded 2 carts worth of brand name everything, tons of junk food, the best cuts of meat, T-bone steaks, chicken, and yes London Broil. I looked at Aza, shook my head and just had to laugh. The young couple was decked out, she had a designer outfit on that included a very large diamond ring with matching earrings. She also had several tattoos all over which as I am finding out are not cheap. I looked at her man, he had a throw back jersey on with a very expensive pair of shorts and was also wearing Air Jordan tennis shoes that I know cost over $100.00 dollars. Meanwhile I have to budget my $25.00 dollar sneakers. He had a long silver necklace around his neck that hung down to his waist with tattoos all over his body too. He also was flashing some high dollar jewelry which included an upper and lower gold plated grill cover for the chicklets in his mouth. Once again all I could do was shake my head in disbelief.

So while we had to put back several things that we would love to have had because we just couldn’t afford it, we waited for Slim Shady and Cher to unload their items that the taxes coming out of our paychecks were paying for. It took forever because they had so much stuff. I noticed that they unloaded at least 8, yes 8 or more cans of the very expensive Simalac. Meanwhile the woman behind us paying hard earned cash was buying Wal-Mart brand baby formula. We just had to wait simple as that, so we did in utter disgust.

We both work so hard to just survive, to pay our mortgages, food bills, vet bills, gasoline and whatever other little emergency may pop up, while these people unload $500.00 dollars worth of groceries and then take them to their government housing apartment where they pay no rent. I finally had enough and told Aza I needed to leave before I got myself in trouble for voicing my opinion. Aza agreed since I was in uniform.

Aza called me about an hour later completely exhausted. “It’s getting to a point where I just can’t stand going there or to the grocery store anymore” she said. Understandably so! She was very upset, especially when she was loading our groceries into her car and saw them drive off in their brand new car.

What the hell is our government thinking!!!! This makes me mad as hell! These programs were meant as a hand up, not a hand out! We struggle to get by with the bare essentials in life while these “people” sit back and live well off of our hard labor. So not only are we expected to pay for our own families, ever rising gas and grocery bills we’re also expected to pay for theirs too!

Don’t misunderstand me. I’m not ripping on families in legitimate need here. God knows I deal with and pray for enough poverty stricken, hard working men and women daily who don‘t use these programs because they‘re too proud. I’m all for legitimate disability benefits, the WIC program and welfare on a temporary basis, which is what it was meant to be. But these programs are being horribly abused and they are being given to the lazy not the needy!

So in summary, “Work harder, millions abusing welfare are depending on you!”

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

I’m still here…

2008-05-16T14:54:00.002-04:00

I’ll be posting an update soon. Divorce issues, chickens (long story), retirement preparations, work, family and life in general have had me running like mad.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later! (soon)

Silly Sunday

2008-05-11T22:27:00.004-04:00

Welcome to this weeks installment of “Silly Sunday”! I had every intention of posting earlier in the week but I’ve been incredibly busy.

To recap Silly Sunday, each Sunday I will post a funny article, story, joke etc. If you would like to participate, send me your funny or feel free to share it in the comments. If you email it to me I will post it (assuming it’s not sexually explicit or crammed with obscenities) along with a link to your blog so folks can take a look at your work.

So without further ado, this weeks submission was sent in from Lagniappe’s Lair, another great LEO blog! Thanks for the submission!

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The Washington Post's Mensa Invitational once again asked readers to take any word from the dictionary, alter it by adding, subtracting, or changing one letter, and supply a new definition.

Here are this year's winners. Read them carefully. Each is an artificial word with only one letter altered to form a real word. Some are terrifically innovative:

1. Intaxication: Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.

2. Reintarnation: Coming back to life as a hillbilly.

3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.

4. Cashtration (n.): The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.

5 . Giraffiti: Vandalism spray-painted very, very high.

6. Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.

7. Inoculatte: To take coffee intravenously when you are running late.

8. Hipatitis: Terminal coolness.

9. Osteopornosis: A degenerate disease. (This one got extra credit.)

10. Karmageddon: It's like, when everybody is sending off all these really bad vibes, right? And then, like, the Earth explodes and it's, like, a serious bummer.

11. Decafalon (n.): The gruelling event of getting through the day consuming only things that are good for you.

12. Glibido: All talk and no action.

13. Dopeler effect: The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.

14. Arachnoleptic fit (n.): The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.

15. Beelzebug (n.): Satan in the form of a mosquito, that gets into your bedroom at three in the morning and cannot be cast out.

16. Caterpallor (n.): The color you turn after finding half a worm in the fruit you're eating.

And the #1 pick:

17. Ignoranus: A person who's both stupid and an *******.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Silly Sunday

2008-05-04T23:51:00.002-04:00

Since starting my blog Aza’s Dad has shared with me a lot of funny articles and jokes, some of which I’ve posted here. Aza and I thought it would be a good idea to start a weekly installment here on Glock N’ Cuffs called “Silly Sunday” so I could share them with you. Please note: I have no concept of “PC”. So here’s what we are going to do; each Sunday I will post a funny article, story, joke etc. If you would like to participate, send me your funny or feel free to share it in the comments. If you email it to me I will post it (assuming it’s not sexually explicit or crammed with obscenities) along with a link to your blog so folks can take a look at your work.

Hopefully this will start your work week out with a guffaw.

I am going to start it with something that I think you will enjoy courtesy of Aza’s dad…

Top 10 reasons why there are no thug NASCAR drivers:

# 10 - Have to sit upright while driving.

# 9 - Pistol won't stay under front seat.

# 8 - Engine noise drowns out the rap music.

# 7 - Pit crew can't work on car while holding up pants at the same time.

# 6 - They keep trying to carjack Dale Earnhardt Jr.

# 5 - Police cars on track interfere with race.

# 4 - No passenger seat for the Ho.

# 3 - No Cadillacs approved for competition.

# 2 - When they crash their cars, they bail out & run.

AND THE NUMBER ONE REASON WHY THUGS CAN'T BE IN NASCAR.............

#1 -They can't wear their helmets sideways.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Happy Birthday, mom and Learning to relax

2008-05-02T01:50:00.007-04:00

It’s that time of the year when we celebrate our mother’s for taking care of us and wiping our dirty lil hiney’s when we were little. For me and I am sure I’m not alone, it’s bitter sweet. May 1st my mother was born in the year 1922. She was the sweetest most loving woman that I have ever known. I was a very lucky man because God chose me to be born to such an amazing woman. I have so many wonderful memories that I can look back on so I am fortunate and very thankful.

I miss my mother very much so yesterday being her birthday was very emotional for me. I don’t think that people realize what their parents mean to them until they’re gone. I always tell young people that the worst day in your entire life will be the day that your mom and dad pass away. It is so true, I miss them both very much.

One thing that always hurt my feelings when I was with Mrs. Ed was she never went to the cemetery with me to visit my parents and just be supportive. While I know that she cared about my mother, I thought she cared enough about me to support me when I needed to go spend time with my mom and dad at their resting place, but I guess not. When Aza learned about how close I was with both my parents she asked to see where they were laid to rest. I took her there and I could feel the genuine concern and heart felt pain she felt because she knew it was really hard for me. I can tell you on a number of occasions I have called her to see what she was doing and she told me that she had just left my parents gravesite. That in itself shows you what kind of woman she is. I don’t say anything about birthdays or anniversaries and when I do she has already bought flowers. She calls me telling me we need to go and put these flowers on your mom and dad’s grave. That’s exactly what she did yesterday. It’s just another reason why I love that girl. Thanks Aza for being so many things to me and for picking up the ball that so many people have dropped. I love You.

In other news, I have been so busy with just the everyday stresses of life that I haven’t taken time to sit back and smell the roses. I honestly didn’t realize how much stress that I was under daily when I was with Mrs. Ed. I was talking to Aza the other day telling her what my life was like and she was amazed. Now that I think about it, I‘m pretty amazed myself! I worked my butt off to provide a life for those people that they never had. The thanks I got was literally a slap in the face. Yeah, you read it right, Mrs. Ed slapped me in my face because of her anger issues. She needs to be medicated but that’s a whole other story. It’s really sad when people have such issues with previous relationships that they allow it to spill over into new relationships. Such was the case with Mrs. Ed. This Woman was married to 5 different men. Each relationship ended up the same way DIVORCE! The bell should have been ringing loud and clear but it didn’t. I can tell you that bell is ringing it’s ass off now. I essentially paid for every sin that each of her ex- husbands committed. I have never in my life been questioned, interrogated and put under the microscope as much as I was with her. It is a miserable life to live when you are with somebody like that.

Now, I feel great! I can't remember a time in all of my 48 years of living when I felt better about myself and just the simple things in life. I am able to enjoy my days and nights without worrying about being called and interrogated about what I was doing or who I’ve talked to during my shift. Without living in a constant state of nausea. I’m sure that there are some that would say, “Well, I bet she had a reason.” Heh, those that would say it don’t know me very well and probably have the same issues that she did. I can tell you in complete honesty, she had no reason what so ever. Because she would never get help for all her past relationships I paid for it. I am here to declare, never again! I love waking up everyday now. The only thing that I worry about now is getting my animals fed. I have a wonderful friendship with Aza and her family. I've been able to renew friendships with my FTO as well as many others (some of which I grew up with) that had been put on a back burner. It boiled down to, if they weren't her friends (partiers and drinkers) they weren't acceptable. The people I surround myself with are laid back and enjoy the same things I do in life. I spend a lot of time with Aza and her family just hanging out, riding the motorcycle, cooking out etc. I love spending time with them. Those of you that think you can’t have a girl for a best friend, think again! We are the very best of friends and I am having the time of my life!

Yeah, I know, I brag a lot about Aza. She really is my best friend so just get over it. hahaha!

I sat down the other day and realized that I have 29 working days left until I retire! I really can not believe that I am leaving. It is a very scary feeling but I know that I will be just fine. I have some things planned, I know that I am going to take at least a month off to just relax and get my head straight. I actually put in an application for a neighboring department last week. That was really strange, I am going to be a rookie again! I am at the point with my department now that I can pretty much do whatever I want. Now I know you’re probably raising an eyebrow but what I mean is I just don’t get bothered by the rank and file. I am treated like a supervisor simply because of my time in service. So it is going to be a big shock when I start with this other agency. I will be a 48 year old rookie, my FTO will be 25 years old. Shoot, I got underwear older than that! I am sure that I will adjust. I will keep you posted on the whole process.

So in closing, life is way too short to be unhappy. Sit back and take time for yourself. Hopefully you wont ever have to go through what I am going through with this whole divorce, but if you do I hope that you have friends like I have that will love you for just being you.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Yeah, I'll play...

2008-04-27T23:53:00.005-04:00

I have been tagged by Fire Fox over at the The Lollipop Tree as well as Angie at DisFUNctional City 911 with the same meme. Now let me just say, if these weren’t two of my favorite dispatcher blogs I wouldn’t do it. But since they are….here goes (yes, some of these are repeats from the last time I got tagged)….

Here are the rules if you decide to play along:

1) Link to your tagger and post these rules on your blog.
2) Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some random, some weird.
3) Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.
4) Let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

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1) I hate toad frogs, I can’t stand the look of them and I darn sure don’t want to touch them.

2) I loath going to the bathroom in public restrooms, especially if number 2 hits the guts.

3) I can’t stand to find hair on the soap in the shower, even if it’s mine.

4) I go commando sometimes while in uniform.

5) I love animals. I have a dog, 2 cats, hermit crabs, finches, fish, and now a baby chicken. I am a sucker for any kind of animal.

6) When people on the street want to shake my hand, I lie to them and tell them that I have a cold because I don’t want to touch them.

7) I have used my police car lights to get to my house or a clean restroom when a colon bomb was getting ready to hit.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Walk a mile in an LEO's shoes

2008-04-27T01:27:00.004-04:00

I have had enough and it’s time to vent about something that just really makes me insanely mad. I, like a lot of people read the news on the internet, listen to talk radio as well as watch it on T.V. I also enjoy reading blog’s in my down time because of the vast variety of opinions etc. I have to tell you though I really am pissed off about the simple minded, arm chair quarterbacks that have the testicular fortitude to call in to talk radio or write criticizing police officers that are involved in shootings. It amazes me that these people actually feel that these officers had other choices!

Lets take a look at the most recent case of Sean Bell. You have undercover officers working at a strip club. Well geez I can’t believe that there would be any type of crime there! So anyway, they approach this fine citizen, one thing leads to another and the suspect {Bell} decides to try to run over all 3 officers. Now here’s where I am asking the simpletons who think that these officer’s had another choice- You have a 4000 pound automobile that is now being used as a weapon coming right at you. You are the officer or officer’s that risk being run down, what do you do? The person behind the wheel is not driving away from you they are driving directly toward you. They want you dead. Please remember that you as an officer do not have the luxury of thinking about it for oh, I don’t know 10 seconds. No, you have a split second.

If you are honest with yourself you would say what any reasonable person would say, that you are going to go home at the end of the night and if it means taking this psycho out then you will do what you have to do. This is a different time and place people, these thugs that run around are carrying weapons, using vehicles as weapons! They do not hesitate at all to use these weapons either and it makes no difference if it’s a policeman or a civilian that they use them on. In fact, they are more likely to use them on LEO’s. The reason why, because if they go to prison they go in as a hero for taking out a cop!

I can assure you that there has never been a day in the last 27 years that I got up in the morning thinking about what I could get into while on patrol so that I could shoot somebody and possibly kill that person. This ain’t the old west and I’m not looking to mirror the careers of “law men” of yesteryear. I have been on a number of police involved shootings and I can tell you they are no cake walk. The officer is now the focus of a criminal investigation. He or she has to prove himself or herself innocent. The suspects may be innocent until proven guilty but don’t delude yourself into thinking for a second that LEO’s are lucky enough to be viewed that way because we’re not! That’s sad too because the officer is guilty until proven innocent, first by the State Attorney’s office, then by their own department. If all of that is not enough, then the officer is ~~raked across the coals~~ “judged” in the media- and we all know how fair and unbiased the media is.

The odds are against an officer involved in a shooting. As mentioned, they are not only accountable to their internal affairs department, the state attorney, and the media- they are also tried before a jury. The jury is made up of citizens, not fellow officers. Face the facts folks, we can’t afford the type of legal representation that certain, wife murdering ex football players get. We get the same lawyers everyone else does. After going through all of that and being cleared by a jury I’d have to say it’s clear cut. Wouldn’t you?

So again, I ask that you put yourself in that position and if you can honestly say that you want to be put through that kind of hell and scrutiny, you’re in the right mindset. I would also like to ask these officer’s critics out there- How many wives or husbands of coworkers did you get to tell their spouses had been killed in the line of duty? Maybe they were killed because they did what you would have them do, hesitate. Do you know what it’s like to go to the home of a close friend that’s just been murdered in cold blood, knock on the door, see his wife with her children at her side and tell her that her husband is never coming home because some asshole shot him or ran him over? Have you seen the wife of your friend crumple to the ground, grasping for her children as sanity slips from her eyes and her world falls apart? Have you seen your company’s Chaplain fall to his knees beside her and begin to recite the Lord’s prayer? Oh, you don’t have to do that in your job working at Wal-Mart or as a bank teller or manager of McDonalds? Well guess what? That might not be part of you job description but it is a very real part of mine.

Contrary to popular thug belief, these officer’s didn’t want to take a life, they wanted to preserve and protect it. They have family’s just like you. I’d be willing to go out on a limb and bet that if you were put in a life or death situation you would do what you had to do to protect yourself. It’s no different for us, we want to go home to our family’s every night too.

So the next time you jump on your pulpit and begin shouting to the masses “unjustified shooting”, think real long and real hard about how your loved ones would react to you being run over or shot by the criminal element that you in all of your self righteous glory are defending. I hope everyone will take a moment and pray for the ignorant arm chair quarterbacks- hopefully they will never have to tell the spouse of a friend that their loved one was killed because the bad guy got the drop on them or they hesitated.

We as a society have made it incredibly easy to persecute these officer’s way before the facts are ever known. The media is not your friend, they will print or say whatever they need to so they can get top ratings. I have a saying that I have always lived by on the street, “I would rather be judged by 12 than carried by 6!”

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

He drove it like he stole it!

2008-04-21T00:00:00.003-04:00

I have been involved in a ton of vehicle pursuits, as slow as 20 mph and as fast as 140 mph. I can tell you that all of them are unbelievably fun, but dangerous at times. Such was the case last night. I had a good friend of mine with me last night as a civilian observer. Now, most of you that are officer’s know that when you have riders they all want to get involved in a high speed chase or go to a shooting etc. I do know that they hate getting stuck on a domestic or directing traffic at a busy intersection for 6 hours. My buddy said “I never get into anything when I ride.” Hahahahahaha, whatever! That’s why you had a bowel malfunction in your drawer’s last night! Let me tell you why…

I am rolling in a high drug area when I hear a fellow officer say that he is chasing one. Every officer goes on high alert when those beautiful words come over the air waves. The suspect vehicle is a 2006 white Nissan Titan V8 traveling at a high rate of speed with headlights out. The suspect initially lost the pursuing officer for a brief time. The suspect reappears at the intersection of a major highway, eventually going north on that same highway. When you work for a large department the perks are abundant when something like this busts open. We had officers set up at the next intersection with stop sticks. I called Aza as I was traveling ohhh about 90 telling her to stay put since she was with her dad in the same area that this nutcase was driving so erratically. I did not want them to be hurt. I took off to try and intercept the suspect as he is approaching the next major intersection. I get to the entrance ramp and look over only to see my buddy with a look of terror in his eyes and white knuckling anything he can get his hands on. I laugh inside thinking, “Bitch you can’t say nothing now, you’re in the mix!!!!” I get to the area when I hear and see the suspect vehicle get stop sticked. Bammmm! We got one tire! I get up on the interstate and had to wait for at least 25 cars chasing this guy. Our policy is 2 chasing the bad guy, the rest back off and parallel on adjacent roads. Hahahaha! Yeah ok, tell that to all these hungry policeman with an incredible adrenalin rush flowing through their veins! But anyway needless to say the suspect is being heavily pursued. The suspect made a quick exit onto a local road with the front left tire blowing apart still maintaining speeds of no less than 90 mph. He is blowing our cars off the road with this truck and on 3 tires. The suspect continues these speeds into a number of local roads and back up onto the interstate. He has not been under 90 mph yet, this truck is holding up unbelievably. We at this point are sure that this guy is going to kill somebody, so officers that are not in this chase are shutting down major roads in his path. These guys are doing a remarkable job with traffic.

The suspect has now entered into another county with my department on his ass. I was not in a position to help at this point so I backed off and just waited. I told my buddy that he was going to make his way back into our direction so we would just be patient. I listened intently as this suspect led officers in 2 counties as well as F.H.P. (Florida highway Patrol) at speeds of now 100 mph., through the back roads of a small town. Debris is now causing police cars to be damaged. Chunks of metal is hitting windshields at speeds of 100 mph. Obviously a very serious danger to the officers. These guys are professionals though, we are going to fight the fight no matter the cost. My Sergeant is now the number 2 car, I almost fell out of my car and wrecked it at the same time when I heard this. He never gets into anything! I can’t believe it, he just might get his hair messed up (inside joke). He has this macho lookin’ tattoo sleeved left arm that looks like that Comcast commercial that says “You Tiger Now!“ but hair that has so much hair spray a hurricane couldn’t move it. I’m excited he is actually doing some police work. Ok sorry, but anyway the suspect is now headed back towards my county. My buddy is so excited, so we took off again trying to be reactive and head this guy off. Just before he gets back into my county he gets sticked again. Now he is traveling at 70 mph with only 1 functional tire. Yep, 1! He is coming right at us. I see flames shooting way above his truck spraying debris all over the place. I get into a position almost right next to him as he now crosses over into the southbound lane traveling north running people off the road. The suspect tries to make a right turn into a subdivision that his mother lives in, he can’t and drives back across the median right into my path of travel. I have to move over because another officer is right on him. He veers hard right and strikes the officer that is right beside me causing his car to slide sideways. The suspect has just pitted himself. He looses control and is still traveling at 65 mph with me right beside him. I look up at the same time my buddy screams, “OHHHHH SHIT!!!!” The suspect slams into the rear of a stopped truck at 65 mph. The trucks shake the ground, debris is flying everywhere with a large metal tool box almost slamming into my windshield. I stop and jump out, by this time my guys had already busted out the drivers window to his truck. The suspect still has the presence of mind to fight the police, bad mistake bro!!! He is swarmed by the boys in blue, including a furry landshark with 4 legs and a muzzle full of teeth called “Nitro”. The suspect is refusing to put his arms behind his back. Nitro is deployed and is eating his behind uppppp!!!! He quickly surrenders, suspect in custody.

While he was being tuned up, I went to the innocent gentleman that was hit while just trying to get home. He is suffering from severe head injuries, back and neck issues and much more. I am consoling him telling him that he is ok and rescue is on the way. I maintain this posture until they do arrive taking over eventually using the jaws of life to extricate him from the vehicle. The suspect, well, he is in a pool of blood screaming. I see this guys female friend which I find out later is his wife screaming “I LOVE YOU BABY, PLEASE STOP!!!!” Are you kidding me!? Honey, you can get your ass in the back seat of a police car too.

Yes, that's me putting her in the back of my car. Aza insisted I add the pic, she said it was for "aesthetics ".

Wow! 52 miles, at least 2 counties, 4 different agencies involved and the remarkable thing is that no police were injured. I can’t say that about our cars. My Sergeant got stop sticked. Hahahaha, I did laugh I couldn’t help it! We go way back so I can get away with that. He finally showed up with his perfect, concrete hair in complete disarray. I really laughed then. We all knew that was serious stuff to get his hair messed up. Ohhhh! His windshield was also all busted up during the pursuit from debris. I was so proud of him…. HAHAHA!

As for the bad guy, below are pictures of his truck. He ran because he is a career traffic offender with 5 dui’s and active warrants for another dui he was just arrested for in January; the very definition of “habitual”.

Because he chose to run, he is in critical condition, with a good chance of dying according to the doctors.

The poor guy just trying to get home is stable. I met his son and wife at the trauma center. They hugged me and cried. These people were so sweet. They both told me that he told them that a policeman held his hand and told him that he was going to be ok. That’s why I became a policeman and that’s why I will die a policeman. It’s people like this man that face uncertainties but still looked at me and thanked me for doing my job! I want all of you to please pray for this innocent family, I did…

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Let’s welcome a couple of new LEO bloggers and a new dispatcher blog

2008-04-20T17:02:00.006-04:00

When Aza first created my blog in January and got me started, The Enforcer over at The Enforcer’s Notebook gave me an awesome shout out welcoming me to the community.

Now that I'm settled I really enjoy looking at all of the folks that check out my blog. Aza has taught me all of the in’s and out’s of the blogosphere. One of the things that she has taught me is to always make an effort to visit other people’s blogs, particularly those who take the time to visit me and comment.

With that in mind I would like to welcome a few new bloggers to the blogosphere and encourage all that visit me to check out their blogs. First up is LEO For The People, he just starting posting this month. Also, LEO Dark Nights who came on the scene about the same time as I did. And finally, a brand new dispatcher, Brother In Blue has arrived! Both LEO blogs are great reads and I suspect the new dispatchers blog will be great too, tell them Kojak sent ya!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

A night to remember!

2008-04-17T04:00:00.002-04:00

I have lived a very long time and had a ton of friends along the way; they’ve come and gone. Some relocated for job opportunities, others unfortunately passed away and a few went through nasty relationship break ups. I have found in my long in the tooth years of living on this earth that true friends never leave your side. When times and weather get rough that’s when you know who your real friends are. That said, I honestly feel that Aza is and always will be my best friend.

I believe she wrote in that beautiful post that she wanted me to have a birthday with “My Friends” I can tell you that when I was with Mrs. Ed I never had a birthday with my friends. They were never invited because it was always about her friends being forced into my life. My birthday was always an excuse for her to have another “girl’s night out”. I got very tired of that so when Aza told me about what she was going to do I was touched and deeply appreciative. I can tell you that it was a monumental feat in itself to organize and plan for roughly 40 police officers to all get together at one time and place. This was done in absolute perfection by her. We have a place in our city that is basically an arcade for adults (they have a full service bar). The plan was for everybody to meet there, socialize, if they wanted to drink a few beers go ahead and knock yourself out, but most importantly just to relax and have a good time. I had over 40 of my closest friends and coworkers there including the entire staff at my lawyer’s office. One of the dispatcher’s that works in my zone a lot was invited. She brought 2 other dispatchers with her so all of the officers were able to put a face with a voice. I respect our dispatcher’s tremendously, they are our life line.

I got a ton of gift’s ranging from gift cards to restaurants’ to the Harley Davidson shop, which I went to today. Aza’s dad came, now if you knew her dad you would know that this isn’t something that he would do for anyone due to his disability. I was so proud that he came, he is like a father to me and I have the utmost respect for him so I was thrilled. After things kinda slowed down, the cakes were attacked with ferocity and the gifts opened. Aza and I along with another officer that we surprised with a cake because it was her birthday a few days earlier went to play games. We had a ball, I was told that I had to play that dance game- you know the one that you stand on the platform and jump on the arrows when they roll up the screen in front of you. Aza demanded that I get on that stupid thing with her. She kicked my old ass! She was dancing up a storm while I just stood there looking stupid, feeling very old and completely uncoordinated. We ended up closing the place down at midnight. The really cool thing was that nobody got stupid drunk, people met their co workers and had great fellowship. It was a fantastic party that will have everybody talking for a long time to come; because of Aza’s efforts everyone had a great time. It was an awesome night and one that I will never forget!

When Aza read her post to me before we left for the party, I have to be honest, I had some very big croc tears. It brought back some very serious memories. I loved my mother and father so much. I was so lucky to have 2 people that at any moment would have given their life for me. They were deeply in love with each other throughout my entire life. I was very blessed in more ways than one. It is amazing to me how one person can make such an impact on your life. Those words that Aza wrote really came from her heart. I knew that because when she read it to me I could feel it in her voice. I know that if my parents were alive today they would have absolutely loved her and her family to death. I’ll tell you why- because they honestly love me from the heart. That’s all that my parents ever wanted for me. I feel like I let them down because of the failed marriages but I guess that’s just life. I know that I could hear my mother now, “Honey she is a sweet girl, that’s what momma wants you to settle down with.” Of course, she would understand that I was wayyyyyyy too old, plus she is veryyyyyyyy married.

I remember my mother telling me about my birth. I really was not supposed to live. As Aza wrote, I stayed 5 months in the incubator. My mother by her own admission did not bond with me. She told me that she never held me the entire time. Then one day they told her that I was going to pull through so get the room ready. I came home and she honestly didn’t have that motherly feeling until one day it hit her like a ton of bricks. She told me that I looked at her and smiled, the rest is history. My dad was bad ass. He ruled with an iron thumb so I didn’t get away with anything. I had a great deal of respect for him because he was a real family man. He worked hard, played hard with me, but was always there for me, just as my mother was. So, Aza was incredibly accurate with her words. They are gut wrenching for me because I truly miss my parents but I can lay my head on the pillow every night and sleep well because I know in my heart that I was loved and when they needed me I was there for them just as they were for me.

Aza, I will say it again and again you mean everything in the world to me. I am so lucky to have you in my life. I know that my parents are looking down and smiling because their prayers were answered. All they wanted was for me to be happy. Well, after 48 years I am truly happy. I owe it all to you and your family. I know in my heart that I have friends and family for life.

I Love You and Thank You for all that you do for me. I thank God every day that we are family.

I’m Out and We’ll Talk Later.

Happy Birthday, Kojak!!!

2008-04-15T00:04:00.004-04:00

The venue has been booked, 8 trillion invitations sent, 8 trillion RSVP’s made, the bomb of all birthday cakes ordered and the decorations readied for decoratin’ the venue (one in particular that will embarrass the hell out of you……I found your baby pics! Here's where you picture me laughing maniacally).

Seriously, I hope that tonight’s birthday celebration is the best you’ve ever had. I’d like to read the below to you and your guests as a sort of toast this evening. However, should the right moment slip by or my nerve weaken I’m posting it here for you. Happy birthday, hon! I’m blessed to call you friend…

A small delicate woman and her husband sat filled with nervous anxiety in a doctor’s office. They had tried to conceive but had been told repeatedly that it would never happen. Her fragile body simply could not bear or support a pregnancy to term. This appointment was different as was the news her doctor delivered; against all odds she had conceived. She was warned that the pregnancy would most probably fail ending in a miscarriage and to not get her hopes up. After being told nothing short of a miracle had taken place, how could she not get her hopes up. She and her husband left the appointment with a renewed sense of life. God had answered their prayer. Determination replaced anxiety. Determination to carry this child in her body, nourish him, love him and successfully deliver him. Determination to be a mother and give her husband the gift of fatherhood.

As the weeks passed her body tried to keep up with the ever changing biological and biochemical environment that pregnancy brings. She ate well, got plenty of rest and her husband cared for her diligently. It was a warm April evening in 1960, she was barely 7 months into her term. Something felt wrong. Her body had grown so weak and could no longer sustain a growing baby that it was never meant to support in the first place. Fear washed over her heart as her worst nightmare was quickly becoming a reality, she was going into labor. 12 exhausting hours and an emergency caesarian later, April 15th at 7:20 in the morning they heard the faint, frail cry of a beautiful baby boy. She and her husband, filled with love and joy for this precious gift from God, knew that though their prayers had been answered, their new son wasn’t out of harm’s way yet. He had been delivered dangerously early. Again, they were told not to get their hopes up. Premature births had a very high mortality rate.

Their beloved infant would spend the next 5 months continuing to grow and develop in an incubator. Each minute seeing their new untouchable baby attached to monitors displaying every heartbeat and breath taken must have seemed like an eternity as they watched him struggle to live, unable to hold and caress him in their arms. With each passing day their love and prayers helped him grow stronger. Finally the day came when they would be able to cradle a little miracle, touch his face and hold his tiny hands. The danger had passed.

Now, beating the odds, a man sits before you celebrating his 48th year of life. With 27 of them dedicated to doing God’s work as a police officer paying homage for answering a scared young couple's prayer years earlier. In our darkest hour and weakest moment when God is unable to physically intervene he sends his enforcers; the mercy of God working through the hands and hearts of those in blue. What is the first thing that most of you hear when arriving on catastrophic and terrible scenes where fear and uncertainty reign? “Thank God you‘re here!”

Today we are not just celebrating a birthday, another year of life. We are celebrating a miracle. Thank God you're here!

Much Love and Many Blessings,
Aza

Ink issues

2008-04-12T23:46:00.003-04:00

I have a bit of a dilemma on my back (pun intended) and I am calling on my blog family for suggestions/advice.

When I turned 40 the mid life crisis fairy came for a visit. The first thing that I did was get a tattoo. My dad, who I was very close to had a big panther on his upper left arm. As a kid I always thought that it was so cool. So, after a few brewsky’s one night I went to the neighborhood tattoo shop and got the same thing in honor of my dad. When I was finished the guy told me that one would not be enough. Well sure enough one was not enough. I got to thinking about what I wanted. I decided that I would get something to honor my career so I got a "macho" looking policeman with the background of my city on my right arm. Unfortunately instead of looking all badass and macho, it looks like the Blue Oyster guy on Police Academy. Not happy! Surely that would be enough I thought. Yeah right! My third and final tattoo found its way on my “Top 5 biggest mistakes I’ve ever made” (marrying Mrs. Ed being in the top 3) list. Tattoo number 3 is the ugly ass crap that I have across my upper back, nearly shoulder to shoulder. Regrettably it has the future ex’s name dead smack in the middle of it. Needless to say I hate that tattoo! I was talking to Aza and we have been brainstorming about my next adventure. I can tell you that I am without a doubt going to cover up the one on my back first and foremost. Then I'll have my dads panther touched up and the Blue Oyster guy reworked. This is where the dilemma starts.

I really didn’t know what the heck I was doing when I got the tattoos. What I mean is in regards to the artist. The guy that did mine really did not do a good job at all and had an extremely heavy hand. I didn’t understand that until I actually met a few of the top artists in my city. I see their work and boy is mine fly by night. They look like jail house tats at best.

Aza had some work done by another fly by night douche bag that really screwed hers up. I was told by a friend of mine and fellow officer about a guy that was very police friendly. I contacted him and turned Aza on to him. She went and had her work redone. This guy did a super job! The funny thing about him is that he does everything free hand, no stencil. I am very impressed with the work that he did on Aza, as is everyone that’s seen it, so I am going to get some cover up work done.

I really want to do something for my mother since I have the one for my dad. I just don’t know what. I have been leaning towards an Eagle on my back holding some type of memorial for both of my parents. Geez, this is a tough decision- obviously Aza’s opinion means a lot to me; she hasn‘t steered me wrong yet.

So tell me what you think or tell me what tats you have so maybe I can decide what to do. I do know that I what that S*IT on my back goneeeeee!!!!!!!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

Aza here...

2008-04-10T14:07:00.004-04:00

Sorry for busting in again. I’ve made a few changes on Glock N’ Cuffs. Kojak now has an email address attached to his profile. Also his links have changed. Please check that you’re under the correct heading.

Fellow Enforcers From Around The World- should be LEO’s in general (retired or not). Police, corrections, community service officers, etc.

An Enforcers Lifeline- should be dispatchers, EMT’s, Firefighters, (pro-police) state attorney’s (I’m sorry I had to add “pro-police” to the state attorney part- we currently have one in my city that fights the police at every turn) etc. Basically any job title that directly works with or assists an LEO in his/her day to day work.

Civilians Who Support the Enforcers- should be wives, husbands, children or friends of LEO’s. (Hott Cops just rocks!)

Another Link in the Chain- is just nonspecific sites that Kojak likes to visit.

If you’re not in the correct link list, please email Kojak.

Thanks,
Aza

No, it does not read: "To Serve (as public transportation) and Protect"

2008-04-10T01:36:00.003-04:00

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, “People never cease to amaze me!”

I went to help another officer out with a call to a domestic violence. Of course when we arrived, we contact our complainant. We will call him “Dumbass” from here on out. So, Dumbass has 3 police officers standing in front of him with a combined total of 50 years of experience. Now, you know with that much time on the job and a complainant that is drunk as a skunk, somebody is gonna be a smart ass but we are going to try really hard not to be.

Let’s start at the beginning. Dumbass gets into an argument with his fiancée because he thinks she’s doing the nasty with the neighbor. The fiancée who is just as drunk as Dumbass didn’t like that accusation very much so she jumped into their van (which has both of their names on the title). Dumbass was going to stop her, he wasn’t about to let this woman leave in HIS car that HE bought. So in true Dumbass form he jumped in front of the van in a show of manhood- or in an attempt to win a Darwin award, the other responding officers and myself are still debating that. The fiancée looked at him, laughed and drove around him in a blaze of glory.

Dumbass was really mad, he was going to show her so he called 911. Thus into the story comes the three stooges. Dumbass picked me out of the three of us for some strange reason (which is also under hot debate). He starts out with “I got a doctors appointment at 7am in the morning. They’re going to do a heart cath on me! She took my van and I want it back!” I decided to completely forgo explaining to him all of the things that were wrong with this scenario thus far. Namely (and I’m completely bypassing…get it? Bypassing? Okay, so it wasn’t that funny…the fact that he jumped in front of a moving vehicle), you’re drunk and you have a heart cath tomorrow!? Now if that isn’t a Darwin award nomination I don’t know what is!

Anyway, without getting into all of that I asked him if he was the only one on the registration. Dumbass says no. Well, that’s a problem I tell him because she has every right to that vehicle, just as much as he does. Dumbass looked me straight in the eyeball and once again with sincerity on his face says, “Well which one of you is gonna pick me up and take me to my doctors office in the morning? Cause if I die tonight it’s going to be all of ya’lls fault!” This is where the little smartass that lives deep within my psyche decided to make a nasty appearance. I looked at this drunk, smelly, inbred and said “Sir, I certainly hope that you don’t die, however if you do, I promise you I will not lose a bit of sleep over it.” Ohhhhhh that struck a nerve, he jumped up, stumbled a little bit and said “I pay taxes, that means I pay your salary! I want service and I want it in the morning, so you need to get here and take me to my doctors appointment!” Wow, if I had a dime for every time I heard the ol’ “I pay your salary with my taxes” spiel! I could only laugh at this point, I looked at Dumbass and told him that if he paid my salary I needed a raise because apparently he wasn’t paying enough taxes. Dumbass was really pissed now. So naturally he demanded my car number and my partners car numbers as well. Ummmmm, okay. I was eager to give him this information. I even told him, “Please complain on me first! I would love to see my supervisors face when you tell him that you are demanding that I take you to the doctors office in the morning.” Dumbass ~~stumbled~~ stormed out in the yard and in true dramatic drunk form attempted to write down the cars numbers. Again, all we could do was laugh. We walked out to our cars and left as Dumbass bid us farewell by yelling the following, “If I die I’m going to sue all of you cause it’s your fault, you need to take me to my doctors appointment!!!” Yeah. Okay.

You gotta love this job….. I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

The latest, in bullets

2008-04-06T02:55:00.007-04:00

Well, I got the official word- Mrs. Ed’s attorney officially fired her due to “Irreconcilable Differences!” HAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Please tell me how you get fired from your attorney? Are you kidding me? Now I would think that anybody with any sense at all would look at that and come to the same conclusion her attorney obviously did, “She’s A Fucking Lunatic!” That is a direct quote from her attorney to my attorney. My loyal readers know that I don’t use that language on my bog. I have said it all along, she just doesn’t know how to handle herself, everything is always somebody else’s fault, never hers. Wow, you know you’re screwed up when your attorney fires you, that speaks volumes because we know they just don’t do that. Karma, it’s just a wonderful thing isn’t it?
Aza has completed the last of the laundry, I know she had to have done at a minimum of 70 loads. I just can’t brag enough about her, she and her family are something else. I know that I have been whining and crying about my finances. When I got my stuff my motorcycle was included. I tried starting it but since it sat so long the battery was dead. Aza’s dad was with me and just like his daughter, stepped up and said go get a battery. He put it on his interest free credit card just so I could get it started. This family is something else, they just never cease to amaze me with their generosity. We went to the store, bought the battery and cranked her up. It was music to my ears!
I told Aza about a tax guy that I have been using for a few years now. She has been going to a company that her bank recommended for a number of years, each time walking out barely breaking even or having to pay. I convinced her to try my guy and she finally agreed after her people told her that she owed, big. Here’s the great part, I told her “Get your boots on girl, we’re taking the bike!!” We cranked Bessy up and off we went. It’s about 35 miles one way and we had a ball. By the time we got back 80 miles later, we were sunburned, tired and she was very happy with the outcome. She was told by her tax people that she owed Uncle Sam $1170.00 dollars. When she walked out of my tax guy, she owed $170.00 dollars. This guy is amazing, he is so up to date on all the in’s and out’s of what you can and can’t deduct. For all of my brother and sister officers I would love to turn you on to this guy, I guarantee you he will save you money. Yes, I am that confident. Just one other example, my buddy worked a lot of off duty work that was not taxed. I told him to call my guy, he did. He went in owing $6800.00 dollars, he left owing $140.00 dollars. Point made, he rocks!!!
When I was married to Mrs. Ed, my birthday routine was always the same: go to dinner with the family, maybe go out and have a few drinks with Her friends, go home. Aza had been acting really funny the last week or so. I finally asked her what was going on. She had to break down and tell me that she had been calling all my friends that I work with and organizing a birthday party for me, since this will be my last with my department. I was speechless and deeply touched that she would take on that task for me. She wrote out 40 funny subpoena styled/formatted invitations, mailed most of them (taking the others to the sub-station) and is now waiting for the R.S.V.P responses. I am certainly not used to somebody doing things like that for me. I know you probably think I am lying, trust me I’m not. This woman isn’t married to me, she probably wouldn’t want an old fart like me anyway, hahaha, but seriously she has done more for me in the last 8 months than the soon to be ex ever did. She said “…all of your birthdays have always turned into being about her and her friends getting together and never about you and yours. It’s time that you had a birthday with your friends.” I had to agree, because she was right. We have a lot of fun and for the first time in a long time I am really looking forward to my birthday- which is April 15th, so ya’ll better be sending gifts!!!! Just kidding, well not really. HaHa
I am really having a hard time with this retirement thing. When I decided to enter the retirement program I did so for two reasons. My mother was diagnosed with a slow growing cancer, I had her move in with me so I could take care of her. The second reason, Mrs. Ed begged me to retire. I see why now, she had money on the mind, but back then I was blind. Also, my mother was so excited because she worried constantly about me. The city I work in is very violent, especially towards the police here lately. I knew how bad she wanted me to retire so I did thinking I could use the money to take the best care of her possible. It was the least I could do, this woman was the best mother anybody could ever have. I can tell you that I would have traded places with her in a heartbeat if I could have. I hated to see my mother suffer.

Things never work out the way you plan, my mother passed away 7 months after I signed up for the retirement program. Mrs. Ed flipped the F#$%K out which ultimately turned out to be the best thing that could have ever happened to me and decided to act like white trash. So here I am 3 months out from leaving the best job that I have ever had and I don’t want to leave.

I have to talked to everybody that is anybody about getting out of the program; I have had no luck. I made an appointment with our Sheriff. We are a very large department, 2000 sworn on the street policeman, 3600 total. The Sheriff is like the president, it takes an act of congress to see him. I got lucky, I got an appointment with him just a week after my request. Our Sheriff is very laid back but he is all business. I sat out in the waiting area, he was on the phone with the media because somebody is trying to file a complaint due to a statement he made. He made a blanket statement in regards to “crack baby’s”. A self-proclaimed former crack baby apparently took offense to that, Geez . Anyway he called me in his office. We talked for at least 15 minutes about my award that he presented to me. Aza also got a certificate of appreciation from him as well (Aza and I put together a huge community project last Halloween- more on that later). I finally got down to the nitty gritty of why I was there. When I told him what was going on he was genuinely saddened by the story. I could see it in his demeanor he was visibly upset. The bottom line, he just wasn’t able to help me. The only way to get out of the program is to be appointed to a position by the Sheriff. This just wasn’t an option, now if I was a Lieutenant I may have had a chance. The next step after Lieutenant is Assistant Chief. I knew going into this meeting what the outcome was going to be, I just wanted to exhaust all possibilities. I did and I will be leaving July 8th. I was very excited though, he told me that he would give me his personal recommendation to any Sheriff in our neighboring cities. I just have to call him when the time comes. I was deeply appreciative.

So as I type this, I am counting the day’s until the day that I wake up and don’t put on this uniform. I am saddened but it is what it is.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

A change is in the air....Smells like....Karma maybe?

2008-03-31T00:43:00.003-04:00

Wow! It’s been one helluva a week in regards to Mrs. Ed! So sit back, relax and let Kojak tell ya all about it.

I finally worked out a date and time to retain my property from the “soon to be isn’t soon enough” ex. I was adamant that I was not going to be there for this event, simply because I knew that it just wouldn’t be beneficial for anyone involved. I knew that she would be hateful, nasty, violent, angry, and just a plain old bitch. More importantly, I didn’t want to see her face or be around her. Remember, this is a woman that thought I should be held in contempt because I wore my uniform to our first court date (She had all of my clothes!) Anyway, my fellow squad mates came to my rescue. We put a plan together for them to meet up and head in for operation “Get My Shit!”

I called the neighboring Sheriffs office for obvious reasons. They sent a Sergeant who was eager to assist his fellow law dogs. My guys showed up at my former residence and were greeted by Mrs. Ed. When she realized that I wasn’t there, as expected all hell broke loose. She started screeching that she was absolutely not going to give any of my property to anybody except me, “If he wants his stuff then he better drive over here and get it, because he needs to sign for it!”

Well that went over like a fart in church, so the phone calls began. When I got this news I went off the chain as did Aza who came over to help me when my stuff arrived. I could hear my step daughter in the back ground barking orders, luckily they fell on deaf ears. The Sergeant tried to explain to her that I did not have to be there in person to retrieve my belongings. He tried to explain that the guys were there on my behalf acting as my agent. When you’re not educated, you just don’t grasp simple things, this was a classic case. I finally had to call my attorney, who in turn called her attorney. I had to get my buddy to call from there so she could talk to her attorney on his phone because she would not answer her phone. The end result of that conversation “Give The Man His Shit !“ My boy’s started loading up my stuff.

The first of four arrived a couple hours later. When the final truck rolled in, I was told the news- my mothers bed was not part of the load. I was pissed to say the least. When asked, step daughter said, ”My grandmother left us that bed.” I can tell you that was completely untrue, but then again what do you expect. I also did not get my mother’s diamond ring that has been in the family for over 100 years. I did not get her purse, wallet or the silver certificate printed currency she had collected. I was heart broke when I saw my mothers personal items and keep sakes thrown like trash in boxes and garbage bags. The identification card that my mother kept in her wallet was just thrown in a bag. All that I have left of my parents, mementos of a 27 year career, a history of pictures of my family, my awards and so much more- destroyed, left in the elements. Many of the pictures have serious water damage. I was truly hurt.

Aza was a God send, of course she has been since all of this has started. She was as disgusted as I was when initially met with dozens of garbage bags and half rotted cardboard boxes containing my and my parents belongings. When the shock began to wear off she told me not to worry, that I would get my mom’s bed, ring and other property. No judge in his or her right mind would award her my parents personal effects. I agreed and the clean up began.

Since this all started, I have been under tremendous pressure as is everybody involved, especially financially. I can not explain to anybody that will read this how much negative energy was on my property when this stuff arrived. Aza, who is incredibly in tune with this, was overwhelmed. We have never had issues but we did that day and it carried over to the first part of the next day. The negative stress level was so high, it was unreal. Aza said that nothing was going to come in that house until it was thoroughly washed. Once again, Aza steps up to the plate. This girl has washed clothes for the last four days, folks. If I had to guess I would say at least 40 loads of laundry and counting. She is still washing clothes, but the really awesome thing is that you can feel the energy in the house going from dangerously negative back to incredibly positive. I just can’t tell you how much I cherish having her in my life, she exemplifies what a best friend is. Her husband is a lucky man, but so am I.

Now, here’s some funny stuff. It seems as though Karma has already began to restore some balance and fairness to the situation. I called my attorney the next day to simply thank her for doing such a great job mediating over the phone D-Day. When the secretary answered I could tell that something was different. She told me that she had something to tell me but really wasn’t suppose to. Are you ready? Sitting down?….. Mrs. Ed’s attorney called my attorney and told her in no uncertain terms that he was dropping her as a client because and I quote, “She is a fucking lunatic!” I nearly fell out of my chair! Aza was laughing so hard she almost peed her pants, I had already peed myself so I was just wallowing in it. I hope that this information is true, if it is, it’s about time that I get something positive headed in my direction for a change! I will keep you posted very soon about that rumor.

So for now, I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Happy Easter, I want my stuff!

2008-03-24T02:04:00.003-04:00

I hope that everyone in the blog world had a great Easter, I know I did. Aza fixed a fantastic dinner for all of us. Great job Aza! She just plain rocks!

I found out a day that I can finally get my stuff from Mrs. Ed. Supposedly this coming Wednesday. I know it’s shocking, but I think I’m getting closer to having my belongings back in my possession. Now, before you get to excited, she still hasn’t responded in regards to my requested time. I feel pretty certain that she will wait till the last second to tell me. I have asked four of my closest friends to retrieve my items, you have to trust my judgment as to why I am not going. This woman has beat me to death verbally every single time I have either talked to her on the phone or have seen her in person. I am tired of her mouth and threats. Quite frankly, I’m not going to put up with her viciousness anymore. I deal with enough of this crap out on the street day in and day out, I shouldn’t have to deal with it in my personal life too.

The plan at this point is my buddies will meet near my home, I am going to call a deputy from that county as a witness just to be on the safe side. I am not going to subject my friends to anything that will cause them any grief. I think that it will be the best for all involved.

I hope that she can set her vindictive psychosis aside for a moment and realize how important it is for me to get my mothers bed. I am the one that laid in that bed with her when she was dying, I held her, cried with her and slept with her till she woke up. I have to give her props because she was good to my mother, but I know that she is withholding my mother’s belongings just to hurt me and it’s working. I want my mothers stuff, all I have left is her memories.

I do know she is moving, where I don’t know and really could care less. I just hope that she moves in with her new boyfriend. I really feel sorry for him, just another fool that’s going to get milked dry. When they showed up for court I saw that she’s already driving his Cadillac Escalade truck, so she’s sinking the teeth in fast. What a fool, but then again so was I right?

The reason I hope that she moves in with the new ~~meal ticket~~ man is pretty simple. The new alimony law in Florida states that if it can be shown that either party filing for alimony is being supported by another party (regardless of relationship), you have no claim to alimony. Please lord let her be stupid, well more stupid, vindictive, nasty, hateful, greedy, there’s so many words that describe her I could go on forever. That’s sad isn’t it? To think that a person that you gave your soul to, took her grown kids and treated them like they were your own as well as the grandkids would treat you that way. I worked so hard for this family. Just one example- I worked 8 months worth of 12 hour days with only 10 days off in that period just so that we could have something in the bank when I retired. It all went to her desperate need for plastic surgery, designer clothes and her kids. All of my hard work, like water through her hands. She took all of that money out of our account, leaving me with 8 dollars. As we flow along through this saga I think most of you can now see why I can’t stand this bitch!!!!

Aza said it best, "You gave her the most, did more for her and her kids than all 5 of the other husbands and she wants to $^%K you the most." You are so right sweety, I love me some Aza, that’s my girl, tell it like it is! I still honestly believe that Mrs. Ed had all this planned out due to the timing of my retirement. Anyway, wish me luck and my buddies in retrieving my stuff! I will let you know what happens after Wednesday, better known as “D-Day“.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

Read the fine print!

2008-03-19T19:48:00.002-04:00

Why do we pay all of the money for extra insurance or warranties on the items that we buy namely computers, when very rarely does it actually pay off?

Point in case: I went with Aza last week to a small time computer shop because her laptop was in multiple pieces (don’t ask). The shop had a big sign out front that read, “We Fix All Computers!” I told her that we should take it there to see if this shop could fix it for a reasonable price in a reasonable amount of time. Better yet fix it right there as we waited because it was something simple. Aza agrees, so in we walk to an empty shop. We are standing there waiting when all of a sudden out walks Lurch who was obviously the king of geeks and who will be hence forth known as “King Geek” (no offense to the self-proclaimed “geeks” in the audience). I looked at Aza, rolled my eyes and said “Oh Boy.”

So, this is how the conversation basically goes…

King Geek: “How may I help you?”

Aza presents her computer which is in two pieces and explains what happened to it, basically telling King Geek that it just needs four connections attached and the screws put back in.

King Geek: Laughs as though we’ve just requested a triple bypass and says, “Oh we don’t fix laptops here, only desk tops.”

I looked at Aza and King Geek in amazement.

Kojak: “Why does your sign say we fix all computers?”

King Geek: “Oh it says that?”

Kojak: “Uhhh, yeah it does” I snap back.

King Geek: “Geez it shouldn’t say that I guess.”

Kojak: “Yeah, ya think you might want to change that?”

King Geek: “Gosh I better.”

Aza: “Can you recommend anybody in town that might be able to fix it?”

King Geek: “Well I don’t usually give my competition any recommendations.”

Aza: “Well thanks so much for ALL of your help, you have been just tremendous!”

Kojak: “Yeah I agree, thanks I’ll make sure to tell all my friends about your shop.”

Needless to say we walked out very irritated, pissed off, jacked up and just plain ol mad.

Aza says to me, “Well I got the best warranty that money can buy when I bought this computer so let’s just drive over to where I purchased it and drop it off.” I agree so off we go.

We get to our destination walk in and start the process of explaining the situation. The employee looks up her information and see’s that she does indeed have the top of the line warranty. The employee tells Aza, “This should be no problem you have the best warranty you can buy. Which is a good thing considering your laptop is in multiple pieces.” The employee tells us that he will send the computer to Atlanta, they will look at it and either fix it or replace it and send back the hard drive. The employee is confident that it would be fixed because the warranty is the most expensive and best that you can get. “You can stomp on it, it can be in pieces, it can be run over and they will fix it or give you another computer” he says. We walk out feeling pretty good, just waiting to hear back from the company so we can come pick it up.

A couple of weeks go by so Aza calls the store to inquire about her computer. The company tells Aza that it was returned, however, it was returned un-repaired due to “Infestation”, “Whattttttt!!!???” Aza says, her face white as snow. “What kind of ‘infestation’ are you talking about?” The employee has no idea, so Aza is beyond mad and scared half to death, she tells the employee to get a manager on the phone. The phone is silent until the manager answers. Aza explains the situation, the manager is sure that this will be resolved, “Just give me a few days and come see me on Friday (14th) between 10am and 5pm I will take care of the situation.” he says. We have no choice so she hangs up, waiting until Friday.

The week flew by, just as it does when you get old like me. Aza and I walked into the business with hopes that the situation would be resolved. This was far beyond resolved, especially when we found out that the manager that was going to perform miracles for us wasn’t even there. We are face to face with somebody that has no clue what the heck is going on and is nasty to boot. Ms. Nasty gets on the phone for a few minutes pacing back and forth, finally coming back to us with a look of “You’re getting ready to get a big weenie in the behind and you’re not going to like it” She tells us that what they found was one tiny little pinhead size bug inside the computer. They refused to work on it, put it all back together, wrapped in shrink wrap and sent it back un-repaired. Bottom line. You are out eleven hundred dollars, so sorry, so sad have a great day. The only way that the warranty would not cover the computer was if any type of insect etc was found in it. Well howdy do how convenient! So Aza, mad as hell at this point said “So I can be sitting in the quad at school and if an ant crawls in it I’m screwed!?”, Ms. Nasty looking rather satisfied only responds with “Yep” and busies herself on the phone.

Well that just didn’t sit right with either one of us, first of all why the hell did the salesman tell Aza and her dad that the warranty covered absolutely everything, no questions asked? After getting Ms. Nasty’s attention again she says, “Oh well in the extra extra fine print it tells you that it won’t be covered under that one condition. We can pro rate your warranty.” Aza responds with, “Well gee wiz how sweet of you, I’m sorry I didn’t have my attorney there when I purchased it to read the fine print. How much will I get back?” Ms. Nasty now typing on the computer, “Oh let me see, hmmmm looks like one hundred and eleven dollars.” That’s quite a big difference when you pay over eleven hundred dollars for a computer and the super duper deluxe warranty. The kicker to this whole cluster is the only way you can get the pro rate back is in the form of a gift card or refund the credit card that was used. Aza, trying to be as polite as she can be said, “I don’t owe anything on the credit card, and I promise you I’m not doing business with your company anymore. The purchase was made over a year ago so just give me cash.” “Oh we can’t do that!” Ms. Nasty says. “Ohh yes you will!” I step in and say. “Get somebody on the phone now that has some power.” Aza asked for the phone number to their district office and Ms. Nasty gets an attitude. She goes back to a back room and scribbles a number on a torn piece of paper, then gives to another employee to bring out. Now that’s service baby.

I told Aza that we need to get district on the phone because we are not getting any satisfaction here. The little Ms. Nasty wannabe manager is bowed up at this point because she thinks she showed us. Here’s how smart this manager is, we asked for the phone number for the district office in Florida. The number we got was Iowa. Are you kidding me?!

Aza gets on the phone, in 5 minutes and 2 thousand miles away, we got some satisfaction. The gift card would be cashed out (which is what Aza asked Ms. Nasty to do in the first place) and the money given to us in cash. Needless to say, the little bowed up manager had to exhale and let all the air out of her bird chest.

Aza is out of a computer that she just paid off. What does she have to show for it you ask? A big Ben Franklin, and a few George Washington’s.

Moral of the story- READ THE FINE PRINT FOLKS!

I’m Out And Well Talk Later!

Update: I was able to talk to some of our IT guys in the department. One in particular used to work on Toshiba’s in a former life and offered to take a look at it. He called this morning and said he’d probably have it fixed by Friday. So much for a useless two hundred and fifty dollar warranty!

They tried to open a can of Kung-Fu!

2008-03-12T21:56:00.002-04:00

I will be updating on the gun shop issue soon but for now there's this...

One of the many things that I love about my job is the fact that you just never know what you’re going to deal with day to day. Now, sometimes that can be a little irritating when you’re trying to eat, especially when you only have 30 minutes to do so.

I was sitting in my favorite Japanese buffet restaurant, when I saw a lady, what I at the time I assumed was her husband and her service dog come in. The lady appeared to be sight impaired, so I just continued to mind my business and eat. I saw all of the little Japanese folks running around yelling and screaming at each other, as if Godzilla was launching a full scale invasion against their restaurant. I once again tried to just eat my food. That’s when it happened, the “Head guy” comes walking over to me with a look of sheer terror on his face. I knew what was coming so I took a big bite of food and resigned myself to the fact that a complete and undisturbed meal probably wasn’t in the cards for me tonight.

Head guy in his broken English says to me “Lady with dog can not be in restaurant with dog!” I attempted to explain to him that the dog was a service dog, she needed him to help her see and that by law he can not ask them to leave. If they were prepared to be sued by these folks by all means tell them they need to go, but I’m not going to ask them to leave. Well he didn’t like that at all so he started the whole yelling in foreign language to his family thing, which caused all of them to start glaring at me like they were going to pull out a Samurai sword and make short work of my head. I just wanted to finish my food and get out of there! Obviously too much to ask.

The lady got up with her dog and proceeded to the buffet bar. The head guy went nuts, ran over to her and started screaming at her in the best English he could muster, “You no take dog to food bar!” The lady was scared to death. Her husband came to her defense, trying to explain to him that she could indeed bring the dog to the bar. Head guy kept on until I finally had to step in to get him to stop the attack. These folks were devastated that they were being refused service. I calmed them down, attempting once again to try and explain to the head guy the law. That was a complete waste of time. The couple was so upset, they left, of course not without making sure head guy was threatened with a law suit. Head guy was screaming, “You owe me money, you get tea!” I ignored his rants.

I grabbed my check, went to the counter and paid my bill. They were very nasty to me refusing to even look my way. I could care less, I did my job.

I wish people that are not native to this country would understand that people with disabilities have the same rights here that they do. If they have a service dog, they are entitled to take that dog everywhere any “able-bodied” person can go. Not considering people with disabilities is walking directly into a trick bag. In fact, my department is being sued as well as the individual officer over another disability issue. Even law enforcement isn’t exempt from recognizing and respecting people with disabilities.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

A rant and call for opinions

2008-03-08T14:41:00.002-05:00

I saw something today that absolutely shocked me, but probably shouldn’t have. I took the advice of The Bronze and Fire Fox. I went to the gun shop with Aza so we could take a look at the other model Glock that was brought up in the comments of my previous post. As we walked in we were face to face with a young couple holding a 40. Caliber Smith & Wesson pistol pointed at the front door. I was instantly uncomfortable but walked in anyway. We stood behind these people with their 4 year old little boy wandering around between them, just in amazement of the guns. As we are standing there, the hooker looking momma has a firearm in her hand. She is dry firing the weapon and once again pointing it all over the place. Now, before I go on, Aza grew up around guns and has a vast knowledge of firearms. She also is very aware of gun safety as well, because her dad owned a gun shop. He was a certified gun dealer and gun smith. So needless to say we both are feeling somewhat uncomfortable with how this couple is mishandling these firearms.

Hooker Momma is laughing about how she has never held a gun, much less fired one. She has this gun in her hand, racking it, absentmindedly pointing it at all of the employees and now us behind her, all the while chewing the gum in her mouth like a cow in pasture never thinking twice about the gun she’s flailing around. The gun suddenly has made its way pointed directly at Aza who was looking in one of the glass cases. I instinctively pushed her out of the way as I stepped out of the way myself. I’m pissed now, very frustrated and really ready to go the %^&K off. Once Aza realizes why I pushed her out of the way she looks at me as if to say I’m going to kick her hooker #$S if she points that gun at me again. I agree but keep my mouth shut.

The husband has a gun in his hand now, it’s obvious that he has never owned, touched, or fired a gun himself just simply based on the way he is manhandling it. We are really uncomfortable at this point. That’s when it happens, this stupid bastard takes the gun and without so much as a second thought, turns toward his little boy. For a moment the barrel was pointed directly at this child. Aza looks at me visibly shaken and says “I CAN’T TAKE THIS ANYMORE I HAVE TO GO TO THE CAR BEFORE I SAY SOMETHING THAT I SHOULDN’T”. I completely agree, but I stay.

The little boy is all over the counter pointing at the guns saying “cool”. Hooker Momma speaks up and says, “No, they’re not cool they’re bad honey.” In the same breath she looks at the clerk and says, “Let me play with that one again!” I am sick to my stomach at this point, I know all you that are police officers understand how hard it was for me not to say something, but not being in uniform and honestly flabbergasted at what was taking place, believe or not I didn’t. The clerk brings out a Glock and is explaining that there is no safety with that model. Hooker Momma interrupts him and says to her idiot husband, “Oh I don’t know about that, you know honey, that he {she gestures towards the child} will want to pick it up and play with it when he gets older.” By now I am beside myself. I simply could not listen to anymore, so I had to walk away. At the other end of the counter I finished conducting my business with Larry.

I stood back and glanced over a few times in pure disgust watching these two playing with these guns. I heard the clerk tell them that he had four kids and he never had problems with them; he never locked his guns up. I just shook my head and completed my business, leaving as quickly as possible before I lost my mind.

When I got back in the car I talked to Aza and her dad about how they felt I should handle the situation. The consensus was to go back, in uniform, talk to the manager/owner and just explain to him that I can’t in good conscious by a gun from them based and how they allow patrons to treat the guns the way they do; in such a careless manner. My feelings are that the store employees have an absolute duty to watch every person in that store with regards to gun safety. They should bring them to task when a blatant gun safety rule is broken. I feel that these people are in a unique position to educate the public while they have their attention and are showing the weapons. I never heard the mention of a gun safety course by the clerk to either of these obviously uneducated potential gun owners. I certainly hope in the very near future that their baby won’t pick up that gun and accidentally shoot himself or somebody else because his parents didn’t take the time to educate themselves, or him about the seriousness of carelessly handling a firearm. I can tell you I have had a gut full of seeing children and/or their friends lying in a pool of the blood while their parents stand there dumb founded trying to figure out why it happened. Yesterday Aza and I met “why it happened.”

I would like to get the input of my fellow bloggers, especially Law enforcement officers on how you would handle the situation at this point. My sensibilities are completely offended now. I’m thinking that if I go to the owner and explain that I want the money back that I put down on that Glock; explaining that it’s because I don’t feel right supporting a business that blatantly disregards their responsibility to educate the public on such a critical subject- it might actually make someone take notice.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

Love at first sight!

2008-03-05T05:22:00.009-05:00

I definitely have the best job in the world for doing a little shopping every once in awhile. I mean I work pretty hard for the majority of my shift, I deserve some down time right? Well I think so, but anyway, since I have been kicked out of my house and am without access to any and all of my possessions in it, including my off duty gun I have been thinking about another gun to carry when I’m off duty. I love my Glock 40 service weapon but it’s just too big to really conceal it.

So I’m rollin down the road and I see a gun shop billboard outside that said “Glock 40 all sizes $489.00.” I know most of you are probably pretty educated as far as firearms go, but I really haven’t been that involved in pricing etc. I do know that these guns are selling retail for around $600.00 dollars. I decided to take a minute to go inside and take a look around.

I was met by a very nice gentleman, “Larry”. I questioned him about the price and he told me that it was indeed the price listed. I told him that I was very impressed with one Glock in particular, however due to my current circumstances I just couldn’t afford to pay that kind of money for anything right now. Larry told me to wait a second that he would be right back. A few moments later, he rounded the counter with a big smile, he said that he would let me put the gun on layaway for 90 days, if I needed more time I could take as long as I needed and in addition he would take off another $40.00 dollars bringing the total to $449.00! I was speechless, this guy genuinely was not only concerned for my situation, but for me as a person. Larry expressed to me that he knows how dangerous it is out there for us, he said that he just felt the need to help me. I thought it was one of the nicest things that anybody in the retail business has done for me in a long time. Needless to say, I eagerly put down the down payment. So, hopefully in a month or so I will have a second weapon/backup to carry just in case I need it, ya know, if my service weapon is jacked by some gangsta or something.

I have a picture of my new girlfriend. She sits to the left of the 40 that I carry. You can see the difference in size, she’s rather demur so concealment won’t be an issue. Isn’t she sexy? Hey, give me a break at least she’s not taking all my money!!

I would like to know from some of you gun aficionados if you think I got a good deal. Oh, he also threw in an extra magazine, as well as the magazine extender that creates a little bit bigger grip.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

The latest saga with Mrs. Ed…

2008-03-03T20:01:00.007-05:00

So, I got a phone call Tuesday morning from my attorney’s office around 10 o’clock. I was half asleep and not real happy being woken up after working all night. The paralegal tells me that Mrs. Ed’s attorney called to tell my attorney that the mediation will have to be rescheduled. What!? I was instantly awake at this point and furious to say the least. The excuse was the mediator suddenly had a conflict. My response to that, “What the $%^k ever!” So let me put this in perspective. I now have to wait until April 17th to possibly have any kind of resolution, I am still paying her $2800.00 dollars a month and I’m still eating Ramen noodles! Oh, but it gets better. The paralegal informs me that they have also filed an Injunction For Dissipation Of Marital Assets, “Uh, what the hell is that!?”

The only response I got was that it has something to do with my retirement. Somehow I guess I saw this coming, I mean, what the hell else can she try and do to me? I could only sit back and laugh.

My buddy had his daughter call the business that Mrs. Ed is ~~not~~ working at to try to book an appointment with her. When she answered the phone, she was so excited to hook her up with an appointment, she even told her “I work 5 days a week and I will stay late if I have to get you in.” Well that’s good info for me to use against her since she supposedly can’t work. The kicker to the conversation was this mind blowing piece of information- and I quote “I have to get you in before March the 7th because I will be going on my dream vacation to New York!” Oh hell noooooooo!, she could never go anywhere with me because she was always in too much "pain". Now all of a sudden she’s flying all over the damn place! A month and a half ago she was in Tennessee!

I just hope that this all back fires on her @#S, because this is becoming comical at this point. Somebody has got to see through all this crap and see that she is playing the system. We’ll I’m hungry. Time to eat some noodles. Got any good Ramen recipes?

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later.

Escape to crack head hideaway

2008-02-28T03:51:00.003-05:00

So I was sitting near the sub-station, relaxing before I went to check off (turn in paperwork before I go home) when a buddy of mine called me on the radio and asked if I could help him in regards to an escaped prisoner. This officer is one of my closest friends, so of course I agreed.

This escaped prisoner was on a work release work crew when he took off. I remember seeing the B.O.L.O (Be On The Lookout) for the suspect earlier in the day. I made the trip out to his last reported location which was quite away from the area that I ride, but I was eager to get involved.

When I arrived, I was briefed, given his description and the exact location that he was supposed to be at. We all got the plan and eased out to the trailer all blacked out. The first thing that was very obvious about this area was these folks are some serious rednecks!! Every trailer that we walked past had a truck, burn barrel, pit bulls, and John Deere tractors. It felt like we were walking into a bad Jeff Foxworthy joke. We got to the location, surrounded the trailer and made sure that K9 went to the rear. I took a position of cover by this huge Oak tree, making sure that if things went bad I was able to have several options if I needed them. The Sergeant knocked on the door with a rookie officer that was just begging to get involved. The door opens there stands a crack head female holding a 2 year old little girl in her arms. I heard the Sgt. ask her if he was there and surprisingly she said that he was. I heard her say that he was in the bed with her, but she got up to smoke when we knocked on the door. She gave permission for them to conduct a search of the residence but I noticed that K9 was not part of the search. I realize that the Sgt. was calling the shots, but he just got his stripes and has been away from the streets for a number of years. I felt as the senior officer there, surrounded by a number of rookies, with the exception of my buddy I needed to speak up. I told the Sgt. with all due respect, I felt that it would be better to let the K9 search the residence, especially due to the intel we got that he would kill himself if the police caught him. The Sgt. agreed, so K9 went in first, allowing the dog to search off leash. We all sat waiting for the screams but they never came. The first thing that came to mind of course- this chick is lying! We drilled her some more and she swore he was just there. The K9 handler took his dog and checked the outside area, finding no signs that would lead us to think he fled into the woods.

The Sgt. came outside and asked if I had any ideas. I basically said that we needed to go back in there and check every inch of the place; I knew he had to be in there. I decided I would ask the crack head one more time about his whereabouts. Making sure she understood that if we found out that she was lying that we wouldn’t hesitate to put her behind in jail. Once again, she was adamant that he was there. “I promise you!” she says, “I’m not going to jail for him, I’m leaving and going to my boyfriends house.” That’s when it hit me, we are dealing with some real winners here. Let’s review: she’s got this escaped prisoner that is her baby’s daddy laying in the bed with her, but she is going to leave and go to her boyfriend’s house. Now I’m thinking to myself I know exactly why this guy escaped, he found out she was seeing somebody else and he couldn’t stand it.

The Sgt. called me and asked that I come inside the trailer, hoping that another set of eyes would help. I went in looking in every open hole I could find. Nothing. No sign of this guy. The next thing I hear is “IF YOU MOVE I’LL BLOW YOUR F%^*ING HEAD OFF!” I ran into the hallway and saw this guy wedged into the air conditioning return. I opened it up, yanked him out by his hair and the rookie handcuffed him.

This guy could have killed us all! If he had been armed we could have all been easily picked off; he watched everything we did. I was shocked to find him there, but was even more shocked that the dog didn’t find him. The crack head was right, he was there, but man did she change her attitude to try and impress this guy, “Oh baby you will be alright you will only do about a year. I promise I’ll wait and be here for you!” I’m thinking, “Oh yeah right, you got peanut butter legs you will have those legs in another mans bed before the nights over.” We started walking him out and he is screaming “Baby, I love you! Please wait on me! Please don’t sleep with that mother f$%^er!“ Of course you know some police officers just can’t keep their mouth shut which tends at times to make things ~~funnier~~ worse. Someone speaks up and tells him that she will be at her boyfriend’s house before he gets to jail. Well that back fired, he broke loose from the rookie. Hands cuffed behind his back he takes off running and screaming for this crack head. The beauty of it was that we still had K9 there. He gave the command for the dog to apprehend the suspect and off he goes. This dog hit him so hard you could hear the thud when he hit the ground. Puppy chow, anyone? After the dog ate him up the suspect was recaptured once again, this time for good.

It amazes me the power that this crack head had over this guy. I don’t know about you but I’ll be danged if I’m going to get my A#$ tore up by a dog for crack head lovin’!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

This one's for Still Stacy

2008-02-26T00:30:00.004-05:00

Heya Stacy, Aza here- I’ve temporarily hijacked Kojak’s blog.

I saw the thread over at your place about your new weapons permit (congratulations!) and thought of you when my dad sent me this; as he knows my deep un-abiding love for knitting and high powered handguns....

Happiness is a warm gun...

Sorry Kojak, I couldn’t resist, you can have your blog back now.

MOVE!!!

2008-02-25T02:31:00.002-05:00

I know that all of you that have been in Law Enforcement for any length of time will understand where I am coming from in this post.

I handle a very large number of high priority calls that require me to run emergency equipment on a daily basis. The city that I live in has just over a million people, with a good portion of these fine folks driving vehicles.

I had a call tonight that required me to run lights and siren to assist Fire Rescue with someone that was laying on the ground bleeding. Not being an EMT I am limited in my abilities to render first aid, however I still want to get there in case I am needed.

I was running lights and siren and it seemed that nobody wanted to get out of my way, so I was of course extremely frustrated at everybody on the road. I must have had at least 10 people that were on cell phones, God knows how many had their radios blasting with “gangsta rap“. So needless to say I was furious by the time I got to the scene. The first thing that I saw was Fire Rescue doing chest compressions and rescue breathing for a gentleman that was riding his bike and fell off. The reason he fell was because of a Pace Maker malfunction that sent him into cardiac arrest. Rescue put him in the rescue unit and sped away, continuing life saving measures.

I’d love to ask the people that are so busy listening to loud music, talking on their cell phones, and just generally driving with their head up their #$$S- if your loved one was that gentleman in need of emergency care wouldn’t you want me as a first responder to get to your loved one so I could perform C.P.R. and hopefully save his or her life? If you can answer that with a resounding “Yes“ then do me a favor, GET YOUR HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS AND PAY ATTENTION!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Where do these "people" come from?

2008-02-23T22:46:00.004-05:00

I often wonder about people sometimes; why they do the things they do. I got a call about a guy in the woods watching children as they got off the school bus. I didn’t have a back up, so off I go, thinking the whole way there about what I am fixing to get into. This area that I was dispatched to was surrounded by woods with a dirt road between the wood line. I arrive at the scene and get out of my car a block away so I can sneak up on this guy, hopefully catching him in the act of doing something illegal. I am walking up to the location that I think he is in when all of a sudden I see something move in the woods about 15 feet in front of me. I have no idea if this guy is armed so I arm myself, slowly making my way forward into the woods. I see him, but he hasn’t seen me yet so I take a position of cover and start giving some commands to exit the woods, making sure that his hands are where I can see them at all times. I notice that this guy is shuffling his feet a mile a minute, I’m thinking what the heck is this guy doing?! I am steady giving orders and he is steady shuffling those feet with his hands at about eye level, raised in the air. He is now getting closer, I see why he is shuffling. This disgusting pervert is screaming at me now, “Please officer, please don’t shoot me I’m unarmed!!!” I keep telling him to shuffle his behind right on over to me. Finally his little shuffling perverted self makes it to me, I stand there in complete shock not believing what I am looking at!

Standing in front of me is a grown man, very clean cut. This man has nothing on the lower half of his body but a pair of women’s pantyhose. Oh and the best part? The crotch has been cut out to have easy access to his genital area! You wanna know why he was shuffling?

Well let me just tell you all about it. He had a pair of women’s high heel come pump me shoes on, with a small set of handcuffs attached to the straps of the shoes! In his hair he had a fake flower tucked behind his ear. His ugly pimpled face was covered with eye shadow and make up. The only thing I could do was try not to vomit or kick the hell out of this guy. I snatched him up, drug him to the car and shoved him in disgust into the back of the police car.

I took him to jail just the way he was, crotchless pantyhose and all. I later found out that he was married, with children, studying to become a minister!

What on earth would cause a man with children, a wife and a supposed calling from God to be in the woods dressed like Rue Paul, masturbating as children walk by!!!! It never ceases to amaze me, you just never know who you may come in contact with.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

The countdown begins

2008-02-21T23:15:00.001-05:00

I’ve got 8 more days until my mediation date with Mr. Ed. I really hate that it has gotten to the level of pure disgust that it has. I’m just so disappointed to think that a woman that I took such great care of and treated her grown children like they were my own, would lie about me the way she has. I am certainly man enough to admit when I am wrong, but I can tell you I have not done anything that would cause this amount of hatred that she feels for me in regards to this situation. There has been no affairs, at least on my part that she can blame this on however, she is convinced that I have. I honestly feel that she planned this entire scenario because she knew that I was the only one of the 5 husbands that she has had that amounted to anything. I know that she had quizzed me on a number of occasions about the amount of money that I will receive the day of retirement. She knew that it would be a substantial amount. I guess I should have seen it coming, but I was trying to plan for the future not thinking that this would happen.

I did find out that she is working 5 days a week, of course that is suppose to be a secret I guess. I just know that she has around 5K in her checking account, and I have lived off $20 bucks after the mandatory withdrawal for temp needs came out, her car payment and insurance payment were made. I had a friend of mine call up her new place of employment (she quit her old job and moved to this new one in an attempt to hide income) to see if she could make an appointment with her. The receptionist confirmed that she did work there, but was OUT OF TOWN FOR A WEEK! Are you kidding me?! When we were together she would never go out of town and half the time said she couldn’t work, now you can’t keep her behind in town. I’m sure she’s having a blast spending my hard earned money with her girlfriends.

I guess I can only hope once again that the courts will see through all of the lies about her not working, oh and the fact that since July 1st I have paid her 30K + dollars! Heh, she told them that I have only paid $375.00 dollars. The funny thing about it is, they believed her! It’s a good thing I saved receipts. I just don’t understand how I got myself into this $%^t! I do know that I am going to push the issue about a certain judge that regularly goes to her place of business; I think he should be issued a subpoena. My attorney is going to need to show a set because this particular judge works for the district where our case is being filed! I just wonder if that has anything to do with how I’m getting $%^&ed, I know he helped her find this attorney by her own admission. Oh the tangled web we weave!

Well that’s all I can think of for now, I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later !

Are you a Democrat, a Republican, or a Southerner?

2008-02-18T19:07:00.003-05:00

Thanks for the forward, dad! Very funny!

Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic Terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you.

You are carrying a 40 caliber Glock, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.

What do you do?

.............................................................
THINK CAREFULLY AND THEN SCROLL DOWN

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!

Does the man look poor or oppressed?

Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?

Could we run away?

What does my wife think?

What about the kids?

Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand?

What does the law say about this situation?

Does the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it?

Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children?

Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me?

Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me?

If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me?

Should I call 9-1-1?

Why is this street so deserted?

We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day, and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior.

This is all so confusing!

I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

.................................................

Republican's Answer:

BANG!

....................................................

Southerner's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!

Click..... (Sounds of reloading) BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! Click

Daughter: 'Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips or Hollow Points?'

Son: 'Can I shoot the next one!'

Wife: 'You're not takin' that to the Taxidermist

A rescue of the "squirrely" variety

2008-02-16T01:38:00.010-05:00

Well after all these years I thought I had pretty much seen and done it all, guess not.

I got a message from the sub station to call a woman but I had no clue who it was. I was hesitant simply because the ex-wife has played this prank before to bait me into calling her so she could scream and curse at me. I called her despite my concern and was met with a very sweet older woman on the other end that sounded like she was in a panic. Ms. M told me that she found 2 baby {2 weeks old max} squirrel’s in her backyard. Ms. M said that she told her neighbor about the squirrel’s, but had no idea how to take care of them. Her neighbor told her that she heard about a policeman that was somehow involved in animal rescue and had a friend (Aza) that did squirrel rescue. Ms. M went to the sub station to attempt to locate me, but she could only describe me. The Community Service Officers told her that it sounded like me, thus we made contact.

I immediately called Aza, of course she called Ms. M, Ms. M told her that she had been feeding them regular milk, which is a big no-no, but bless her heart she didn’t know. Aza called me back, telling me that she was going to meet Ms. M at a location between the two of them. I met Aza, and Ms. M and was handed 2 barely alive squirrels that were both near death due to severe dehydration, hypothermia and boarder line starvation (according to Aza). She took them and immediately went into rescue mode. You have to know that she has been doing these types of rescues for a very long time and she is absolutely the best at what she does. She has a few stories about a couple of her rescues under the label Saving Grace on her blog. A lot of the cases she gets in are abused (just read about poor little Kaz) so she doesn't talk about it much ((Please be forewarned that Aza is passionate about what she does and because a number of her rescues (like Kaz) came from very abusive situations, she is incredibly descriptive and uses a number of “sentence enhancers” when relaying their stories)). Anyway, these lil guys needed help and needed it now! I went to get syringes to feed them, Aza went to get the nipples that fit on the end of a 1cc syringe and are as rare as a wooden nickel from a vet she used to work with. The rescue was underway! We lost the lil girl, she had some internal damage due to Ms. M‘s cat, there was just nothing we could do. The lil man was not eating much but when Aza made her special formula, he went crazy and hasn’t stopped.

Below is a picture she took earlier this evening. After a few feedings he's finally getting his color back and actually looks like a baby Eastern Gray squirrel!

Aza will be teaching me how to care for him. As of right now she is feeding this lil guy on the hour, every hour until he gets to a level that he can consume 2 to 3 ml’s of formula and is rehydrated. Then we can get to feeding him every 3 to 4 hours.

Now, I know it sounds really cute and you’re probably thinking “Are you going to keep him?” The answer to that is a resounding “No.” You can not have a domesticated squirrel, when their testicles drop they become a wild animal and vicious. This in mind, Aza has several that she has rehabbed, that became “permanents”. One has 3 legs and the other one has no upper incisors. This is the only time you should keep wild animals, if they are not able to be released into their natural environment because of their physical condition and you are willing to get the proper licensing required. You should have their captive environment as close to their natural environment as possible. It does them such a disservice when they are kept in captivity, when they should be released. Just to give you an idea, Aza has had these guys since juvenile stages. You would think they would know her, but due to hormones and wild animals being just that, wild- they have been known to try to attack her. She has years of experience in taking care of these guys and more importantly is licensed to due so. As surprising as it may seem, it is illegal to rehabilitate wild animals without state or (for some species) federal licensing.

In closing, we will rehab this lil guy and release him in about 5 months. If anybody has any questions, please feel free to ask.

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!

Happy Valentine’s Day, you’re going to jail!

2008-02-14T23:55:00.003-05:00

I know times have changed, but I have to say that some things should never change when it comes to our children.

I found a 14 year old young man waving people down in a drug store parking lot trying to get a ride home. Oh, I should mention it was 1 am in the morning on a school night. I got out of my car and asked him what he was doing out at this time of the morning. He told me that he was hanging with his “homie”. Let me make it known, I hate the rap talking $%T! So I asked him, “Tell me in English where you were!” He understood that so he told me that he was at “Blacks” house. Okay, now I’m pissed and getting more irritated by the moment. Lets try this again because I am detecting attitude and with 4 months to go before retiring I feel like knocking his @#S out. “Who is ‘Black’ and where does he live?” I asked. Heh, his response? “I don’t know his name, but he lives in some apartments.” Wow! This child is killing me! So I ask him where he lives again, he tells me that he lives in the apartments by the Wal-Mart. Hmmmmmm, geez, that narrows it down! There are dozens of apartments near dozens of different Wal-Mart's in this city. Finally I got a more exact location out of him, so off I go.

I get to this child’s house, we bang on the door for at least 15 minutes. Finally the poster mom for “Leave It To Beaver” comes to the door, dreads all over her face, sleep in her eyes and her 14th husband is standing behind her. I ask Ms. Cleaver if she knew where her son was and she said “Which one? I have 5.” I just stood there looking at her completely stupefied. I said, “The one that’s missing from your house, the one that’s 14 and should have his behind in bed!” “Oh!” she said, “There’s only one here, so 4 are missing.” Once again, I just looked at her. I asked her, “Well how old are the other ones?” Proudly she says, “10, 12, 16 and 17!” I went off blasting her for 10 minutes about the seriousness of not being accountable as a mother, and a number of other things. I just could not believe what I was hearing. This piece of $%^T mother was actually sleeping with husband or boyfriend number 14 and had no idea where her children were!

It was late so I called for a midnight unit to come handle the call due to my shift ending in a little over an hour. Ms. Cleaver was arrested for Child Neglect and booked into our jail. We had to write 4 missing person reports just in case somebody hopefully finds these children. Can someone please tell me what is wrong with our society today? I can tell you what would have happened to me at 14 if I wasn’t home before the sun set much less at 1am!

I hope each of you that have children take the time to nurture them and raise them with love in your heart. I’m tired of seeing young people committing adult crimes. More importantly I’m sick of seeing these children lose their innocence (sometimes their lives!) and being molested by pedophiles on our streets. It’s because of parents like this lady that our children are in prison at 12 and 14 years old or laying in a morgue waiting to be identified. They are more interested in getting the money that the government is paying them to have the children than to raise them. These children aren’t raised up, they are snatched up! I could go on forever……

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later !

Better to be "tagged" than "tazed"!

2008-02-12T03:26:00.000-05:00

So I got “tagged” and had no idea what that meant; Aza explained to me what a “MeMe” was. I really thought the meme thing was for the ladies (my soon to be Ex did a ton of them on MySpace), but since Dixie Chick was one of the first to welcome me to the blog world here it goes…

The rules are…

1. Link to the person who tagged you for this MeMe.

2. List the rules on your blog.

3. Share six unimportant things/quirks/habits about yourself.

4. Tag six people to do this MeMe.

5. Let each person know they have been tagged.

O.K...here goes...

1- I am an only child but I wish that I’d had brothers and sisters.

2- I hate hair on the soap.

3- I sometimes go commando when I go to work.

4- I have Hermit Crabs as pets.

5- I watch cartoons.

6- I go to Wal-Mart at 3am and ticket people who park in handicap spaces without permits because they think they can get away with it- think again!

Since I’m so new to blogging the only person I can think to tag is Aza but she’s not into meme’s so I’m not going to tag anyone.

I think I'm getting there

2008-02-11T06:18:00.000-05:00

Hope this isn’t hard on the eyes.

Feedback is welcomed since I can only test this layout and these colors in two browsers.

A vent and a question...

2008-02-08T23:22:00.000-05:00

Well, I’m sure that most of you are probably tired of hearing me complain about the soon to be ex, but that’s just too bad cause this is my blog and I’ll write about whatever I want! Hahahahah just kidding! No, really.

I have enjoyed a long and prosperous career with my department, I actually make very good money as far as Police salaries are concerned. I told you several posts back about the whole money issue, how she lied about working etc.. and the magistrate gave her basically 90% of my check.

I received my paycheck via automatic deposit today and reality slapped, kicked, beat, stabbed (and several other nasty violent terms) me in the face as to just how badly I got %^&ed!!!! I just can not believe that she gets roughly 90% of my check, and I still have to pay for her brand new car that she just had to have. Oh, and the insurance! Geez, I’ll just say it (again and again and again and again, ad infinitum) “I AM A DUMBBASS!”

Now here’s what really pisses me off, she has all that money in her bank account and has yet to pay any of the bills that are still in my name as well as hers! I have prided myself over the years of being responsible in regards to paying bills on time so my credit will at least stay in good standing.

So to combat her trying to intentionally screw up my credit (because she doesn’t give a damn about hers) I am thinking of cutting off the electricity and water that’s in my name. Maybe then this gold digging, Tammy Faye/Mr. Ed looking soon to be ex wife of mine will either poop or get off the pot. It might just be the incentive she needs to for once in her life be responsible!

I’m just saying, this just sucks because I have worked so hard for so many years and she comes in after just 7 years, taking all of the money, leaving me with nothing and tries everything in her power to make this as difficult a process as possible.

Well anyway thanks again for taking the time to stop by and read my vent.

Btw, I appreciate the comments and am very interested about how you found me. If you could leave a comment and let me know where you saw my link, Aza is still working on my link list and wants to give credit to who sent you.

I’m Out and We’ll Talk Later!

Gymnastics and cheerleading do not qualify you to drive drunk!

2008-02-06T23:27:00.000-05:00

We see so many tragic things in police work, when the funny stuff comes along, it’s more than welcomed! Last night I along with another officer stopped a female driving a truck for running a red light at a very busy intersection. I got her stopped, walked up to the drivers door and was hit with the ever so pleasant and completely overwhelming smell of stale beer! I asked for her drivers license, which took 10 minutes to retrieve from the pile of trash and beer labels that she had stuffed in her purse. “Ms. {B} I asked do you know why I stopped you?” Her response, “I think I ran the red light on Carter Blvd.” We were on Ellington Blvd.; that was my first “this chick is toast” clue! Of course when I told her that she wasn’t on that road she started the whole “yes I am, I know where I’m at!” argument. I knew then that this was going to be one of those stops.

In my department we have a separate unit that handles our D.U.I ‘s so that it won’t tie the beat officer up for 2 hours or more. So, I called for a unit and a good friend of mine, {F} showed up. I explained everything to him, which is all on camera and taped.

Officer {F} walks up to her window, identifies himself and asks her to exit her vehicle. She gets out, stumbles and has to grab the side of her truck to hold herself up. This is clue number 2. Now here comes the good stuff, well at least I think it is.

Officer {F} starts the request to perform the D.U.I exercise’s, which consist of Walk the line, One leg stand, Rhomberg Alphabet and finger to nose. I knew then we were in for a show!

The walk the line test took oh, I don’t know, 15 minutes to explain to this poor lush of exactly how it was to be performed. This exercise was demonstrated by Officer {F} during the explanation. Ms. {B} thinks she’s got it so here we go! Ms. {B} very carefully puts one foot in front of the other and is instructed to stand this way until all of the instructions were provided. Should be pretty simple right? Well of course for me and you because we’re not tore up from the floor up! Ms. {B} is all over the place, bending over trying to hold her feet on the line, eventually failing so miserably that Officer {F} has to tell her that we just won’t do this exercise.

Now we have moved on to the one leg stand. Ms. {B} is provided all of the instructions, telling Officer {F} “I know I can do this one, I was in gymnastics and cheerleading!” she exclaims. Officer {F} is excited, maybe she can actually perform the exercise. The instructions are very specific, DO NOT HOP! Ms. {B} is beaming and full of confidence, she was a gymnast and cheerleader remember. Ms{ B} is pumped up, she points her left foot as instructed, holding it 24 inches off the ground instead of the required 6. She is so happy with her accomplishment she grabs her ankle, pulls her leg and ankle up to her butt. She then starts hopping all over the place like a bunny rabbit counting out loud in a very slurred and inaudible voice “One thousand one, one thousand three, one thousand six, one thousand eleven, one thousand twenty, and one thousand thirty!!!” Wow! She looked like a complete idiot and she was so proud of herself; she really thought she passed. She had a huge smile on her face as she looks at Officer {F} waiting for his approval. Officer {F} very calmly looks at her straight faced (which is more than I can say for Myself and the other officer who made the initial stop!) and says “I can see how successful you must have been in your cheerleading and gymnastics career, lets go on to the next exercise.”

Needless to say, you can see what we were dealing with here. The rest of the exercise’s were not performed simply because poor 54 year old, Olympic medalist Ms. {B} just couldn’t continue after her award winning performance of the previous exercise’s. She was placed under arrest and was in complete shock, not understanding how she didn’t pass.

Please don’t drink and drive. Unlike this one, I have so many stories of tragedy involving drunk/buzzed drivers, some that are very close to me involving my family, one of which that left an 11 year old little girl without a mother. This same little girl’s father was struck by a DUI driver in a separate incident, leaving him a functioning paraplegic. I love this man, that’s why I call him Dad and her my best friend!

I’m out and we’ll talk later!

My Shoulder and Ear

2008-02-05T15:42:00.000-05:00

A couple of years ago I met a friend of mine through his work at a local drug store, eventually meeting his wife, Aza, whom some of you may have stumbled across in the blogosphere and her dad. Her family and I hit it off from the start. Our friendship grew over time, eventually so much so that I became a member of the family. Her dad (who I occasionally reference and who occasionally comments here) has basically adopted me as a son. When my wife went completely nuts, Aza and her family were right there in my corner, providing invaluable advice every step of the way.

When my wife told me to pack my bags, I had no place to go, in steps Aza with a complete plan. She found a 5 star local Inn that would house me for a week, this cost her over $600.00 dollars, I was speechless. I had nothing but uniforms, a few toiletries and a couple of shirts. Once again, here comes Aza with clothes, food and a number of other things that I would need to survive. I knew then that this person was not like any other person that I have ever known.

Aza has been there for me through some very tough and emotional times, she has not left my side through any of it. I have listened to her intently as she gave me solid advice over a number of issues, always making sure that I was crystal clear on all of the issues.

I have never in my life laughed as much as I have since she came into my life, she is the funniest person that I have ever met. I know that I can call her at any time of the day or night, with any need and she will be right there for me, making me laugh with her cynical and sometime brutal sense of humor. She has made it part of her life to make sure that I am taken care of. I get a phone call each day to make sure that I am still alive. As I go through my shift she calls to make sure that I am okay and ask if I need anything. She cooks for me as well as her family everyday, never asking for anything in return.

This past Super Bowl Sunday, I really wanted to watch it, but I had to work the streets. Aza and her dad went to my house, cooked a full course meal, washed clothes, fed my animals (one of which is a kitty that I adopted from her- another post for another time), took out the garbage and cleaned the dishes. Now, she does this everyday, all the while still taking care of her family and a virtual army of animals that she has rescued. She is the one that encouraged me to start a blog assuring me of the therapeutic qualities of writing. She has and is continuing to design my blog, teach me the in’s and out’s of using it and she proofreads most of my posts.

I can’t explain to any of you how much I love this woman! She is the most loving, thoughtful and compassionate person I have ever met. She has a strong sense of family and fervently fights for what she believes in. I am convinced that she was sent by God to take care of me. I can promise that I will never do anything to disrespect her, or hurt her in any way.

I can only hope that if any of you could possibly have a friend like Aza, your life would be a lot happier and a hell of a lot funnier. Aza, I love ya! Thank You for all you do for me, you are truly my best friend!

Please take a moment to visit Aza over at Surreptitious Psychosis, I promise, you wont be disappointed, plus you will see how lucky I am to have her in my life!

I’m out and we’ll talk later.

An updade and rant

2008-02-02T23:47:00.000-05:00

The officer that was shot has been released from the hospital! I really appreciate all of the prayers and comments.

Well it’s time to rant about the soon to be ex again!

I’m sure all divorced men and women have so much to complain, rant or just plain ol bitch about. I am no different, so just sit back and let me get it out.

In my profession being truthful is absolutely the most important quality you can have. As a police officer, your word is the gospel and always expected to be the truth. Lets face it, if you’re a liar and you get caught lying your credibility is done, not to mention your career. Justifiably so.

When I went to the temporary needs hearing, oh wait I mean Contempt of Court last month I knew that my testimony had to be truthful. I was prepared to be honest. I showed up in my class “A” uniform, because quite frankly I didn’t have the money to buy a suit or for that matter dress pants, shirt and shoes. I got off the elevator with my partner that works with me and there sits the wife, her daughter and the wife’s best friend. The first thing I heard was “Yeah, I think he should be held in contempt for wearing his uniform to court, guess he thinks he’s gonna get special treatment.” At that point, I wanted to get up, walk over to her and just rip her up, but I chose to be the true professional I am and just be quiet. Of course they sat at the other end of the hallway and ran their mouths just loud enough so I could hear it.

When it came time to go in, we both took an oath to tell the truth, or at least I did. I have never heard so many lies in 45 minutes in my life. I could only sit there and listen to this B.S. The sad part about it is, the Magistrate knew she wasn’t being truthful, but his hands were tied and he had no choice but to perform the task at hand- a brutal attack on my financial rectum.

I just don’t understand how it’s fair that she got all the money, telling all those lies about how she can’t work etc… as mentioned before, the bitch is working 3 or 4 days a week and she makes excellent money! I went in, told the truth about it all and got the most massive anal assault of my life, didn’t get a phone call afterwards and no flowers the next day!

Money is the root of all evil, it’s really sad that our system could care less about honesty. It’s really who’s the best at acting. I can tell you, I haven’t seen an act so worthy of a Grammy in a long time!

I know Karma’s a bitch, boy I can’t wait to see it unfold!!!

Well thanks for letting me rant. I’m out and we’ll talk later!

And he will live to fight another day...

2008-01-30T18:49:00.001-05:00

I really appreciate all of you stopping by to check out my blog! I am having a great time visiting new blogs and will be adding to my link list soon.

Now, on a very serious note.

Just a few days ago while on patrol, the alert tone sounded and the dispatcher had a different sound to her voice. We all knew that it wasn’t good. The numbers may be different from city to city but they all mean the same thing, OFFICER DOWN! I, along with the rest of the watches working, began a somber period of waiting.

The department I work for has 3,000 certified Police Officers, of course they don’t all work at the same time so it’s obvious that we all don’t know each other. The fact is, who cares, it’s a brother or sister officer and something is wrong.

A couple of officers on the Southside of town were working at a large shopping mall to make some extra money to take care of the extra bills that they took on since Christmas. A simple shoplifting call, should be pretty simple right? They were probably thinking, “We can knock it out, end our shift, maybe get home in time to hug and kiss our wife and if were lucky, see the kids before they go to bed.”

The officers arrive on scene, gather their information. In a hurry to get home, they decide they will split the paperwork and each do an arrest docket. The suspects are 18 and 19 years old. They have no real prior criminal history, so the tension is more lax than normal; that is until the 19 year old breaks from the young officer’s grasp and starts running. The diligent officer won’t let this suspect get away, so of course he gives chase never believing for a second that his life is fixing to change forever. The suspect is running at a pace that is untouchable for most, but not this officer, he’s one of the elite- a Swat Team Member. The suspect runs about a quarter of a mile with the officer right behind him yelling for him to stop. The suspect ignores his commands, that is until he falls down in a dried up retention pond. The officer sees an opportunity to end the chase so he tackles the suspect and a fight ensues that has him now on his back fighting for his life. The officer suddenly finds himself in a life or death battle because now the suspect has taken it to a whole new level. The suspect is pointing a 45. caliber handgun at the officer and shoots without hesitation point blank range 3 shots to the chest! The officer still with the presence of mind is able to draw his gun and returns fire striking the suspect several times in the chest, but that’s not stopping the threat. The suspect wildly continues firing the gun in an attempt to finish the job. Multiple rounds strike the officer in the leg, shoulder and chest. One round finds its mark tearing through his jaw. He now knows he may not make it home, but fight or flight kicks in. In our world flight is never an option in a situation like this. He then fires 7 rounds to the suspects head. The battle has ended.

A passerby calls 911 and directs the units running lights and siren to the downed officers location as well as rescue. The officer is life flighted to a trauma one hospital where he is rushed into surgery with 6 bullets holes that have riddled his body. He is alert and for now alive.

The surgery was a success and the officer, by Gods Grace will survive, but will need major reconstructive surgery on his face. The one thing that saved this young mans life was his vest that stopped 3, 45. caliber rounds and his will to live to fight another day. Now, the wife and child that he wanted to just go home to and love, sit in the intensive care unit watching dad with tubes down his throat only blinking to tell his family that he knows they are there and that he loves them.

We are never promised tomorrow, so please tell your family that you love them, kiss your wife or husband and children. Always wear your vest it will save your life as it did his! Please take a minute today to pray for our brother officer and his family. Be Safe!!!

I’m out and we’ll talk later!

A thank you! and operation "Redneck Refuse"

2008-01-29T01:40:00.000-05:00

Wow! I have only been at this for a few days and I got a major shout out from The Roll Call Notebook! So I’d like to thank the Enforcer and welcome all of my new guests!

Well, here we go! I know all of you have family that you love and want to protect. Well obviously that’s no different for any police officer. I got a phone call from my peeps they basically told me that they were in need of my assistance. I learned that some folks were renting a house down the street and on a daily basis prostitutes (read: nasty hookers and hoe’s) had been visiting as well as their "Johns" and the local dope boys. Well you have to know that just can’t happen!

I called on a few favors from my brothers and sisters in blue. We did some surveillance and put a plan together. The big plan was that my buddy J would conduct close surveillance behind the house all decked out in his BDU's and hidden in the bushes. I along with some of my ninja brothers were all blacked out in our cars just waiting for the signal. At this point I’m all pumped up cause I just can’t wait to jump out as fast as my old ass body will let me, bust in and KICK SOME ASS!!! J walks up as the door opens, pops his head in, announces who he is and asks if he can come in. The resident's response? "Sure!" (Damn! That was easy!) So he gives the signal and here I come like John Wayne, baby! I’m in the door in a flash with my gun drawn, ready to defend my family and fellow officers! We shoved everybody down on the floor and started the whole process of checking for weapons etc… After the situation had calmed down I was hit with an overwhelming smell of Marijuana. I swear I thought I was right smack in the middle of a Cheech and Chong movie! I said "Dang! How in the world can you breath in here?" Keeping in mind we are not dealing with mental giants here, some knucklehead said "We haven’t been doing anything!" I said, "So where is all the smoke coming from?" Naturally amnesia struck everybody. The owner of the house who had been the focus of all the rants in the neighborhood spoke up and said, "Officer, I am disabled and I don’t know what’s going on in here!" I asked, "Do you have any illegal drugs in the house?", "Oh no!" she said. I just laughed. You don’t need my highly honed Spidey Senses to see in plain view at least 20 Grams of the wacky weed, some rolling papers and a pipe on the table. I asked her "What the hell is this, then?" The room went quiet. Here we go with the amnesia again!

I directed my attention to an old guy that was all gimped up and told him to stand up. I started the ol’ pat down for weapons and asked him "Do you have any drugs, guns, knives or anything in your pockets that will stick me?" He said "No" (yeah, of course not!) That’s when I saw 2 massive Doobies (No, not the brothers, Marijuana joints) rolled up all nice and neat behind both ears. I didn’t say anything and kept on digging in his pockets pulling out a knife that he said he didn’t have (Now all of you know that a knife is a requirement of every redneck to have right?) I started to laugh and asked him "I thought you didn’t have any drugs on you?" He responded casually, "I don’t! I just rolled those for him [gesturing at redneck #2] and was keeping them for him." Are you starting to get the picture of the level of brilliance we’re dealing with here? Yeah, one "Oops, I got too drunk and messed around with my first cousin" gene away from total mental retardation.

The legal resident believe it or not signed a consent to search form and after recovering just less than 20 Grams of Marijuana, a bag full of Ecstasy and some other illegal drugs our project was over. The result: 3 arrests and drugs seized!

The best part for me was when I took the mother of clan "Not So Bright", who also happens to be a crackhead over to the side and ripped her up one side and down the other basically putting the fear of God in her for bringing John’s and crack into my family’s neighborhood- so much so that she "wee-weed" in her pants. Now that’s what I call justice baby!!!

So I guess the moral of the story is- Don’t muck with the PoPo’s family or the street they live on! Really though we would do it for you, too!

I’m out and we’ll talk later!

Hello Blogland!

2008-01-27T21:12:00.000-05:00

Well I guess I'll start my first blog entry with a vent/rant about this whole divorce issue.. I married my soon to be ex-wife in 2000. I guess I should have seen the writing on the wall when she told me that she had been married 5 times, but of course like most males I wasn't thinking with the right head. I saw a very attractive woman and being of average looks myself I thought "Wow she digs me." We had a very happy relationship in the beginning, however, over time I started getting that gut feeling that most policeman get that this chick might have some serious trust issues. The first thing that happened came straight out of the blue. We were laying in the bed one morning and she asks, "When was the last time you talked to your ex-girlfriend?" I answered with a truthful answer because she asked from the start to always be honest and I didn't have anything to hide. So I said, "About a month ago when she called me to tell me that she had paid off the Master Card account that I let her use to put some furniture on." I got no response so I thought WOW she's cool about it and understands that the conversation with the ex had nothing to do with old times it was just over the stupid credit card. I could not have been more wrong!!!!! She gets up, goes to work and I get a phone call about an hour later. She absolutely ripped me up one side and down the other. I was told that I was deceitful and a liar and she was leaving! I was speechless! Okay, so I'm thinking this bitch told me to be honest, I have absolutely nothing to be dishonest over and now she is calling me every nasty word in the English language (not to mention a few others). Now I know those of you reading this are thinking "Man, that's a pretty damn big clue". Yeah, I know, it should have been the light that came on and the bell that went off in my thick ass brain that goes "DING DING DING this chick just isn't right!!" Well, it wasn't and I have been paying for it for 8 years now.

I have spent thousands of dollars helping her and every member of her family because they are all three toed inbreds (another post for another time) but I thought, well it's her family. I bought the daughter her first car, the oldest son all of his tools to start his business and kept all of the hoodlums in the family out of jail, including her crackhead brother. Now I am the one getting the massive green weenie in court because I have provided for her all these years. Here's where it gets even better, now she's told her attorney that she can't work because she has "Fibromyalgia". ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?!?!?!?!?!. The bitch is still working 3 days a week, but I have to pay all this money?...Ohhhhhhh get this, she showed up at court wearing no making up and dressed like she was 90! I just had to laugh, because this is a woman that would NEVER walk out of the house without makeup on looking like anything less than a Barbie doll. Heh, it must have worked because the judge wannabe told me that I had to pay her $3,300.00 dollars (yep, you read that right!) by 5 pm on January 25th. Honestly, I’m still in a state of shock. I paid the blood money and had a whopping $300.00 dollars left in my account to last 2 weeks. Oh, and the best part? On top of me making the $600.00+ dollar car payment that she's driving AND the insurance payment, they will be taking an additional $923.00 dollars out of my pay check every 2 weeks until my mediation Feb 29th. She walks out of court with a grin high-fiving her daughter saying “I told you I’d f*** him!” and I walk out trying to figure out how the hell I’m supposed to survive on $150.00 dollars a week. So you can say "DUMBASS!!!!!" now. No really, it's okay go ahead..

So, there's my first vent/rant! As you can tell I’m pretty pissed about the whole situation. Maybe not nearly as funny as most of the stuff you read but stick around, I promise to provide you with some very funny stories throughout my 27 years as the "PO PO". I can certainly assure you, there are plenty of vents about this damn divorce yet to come too.

I'm out and we will talk later!

Testing

2008-01-25T02:58:00.001-05:00

I'm workin' on it.