"I sometimes wish that people would put a little more emphasis upon the observance of the law than they do upon its enforcement." ~Calvin Coolidge

Thursday, April 10, 2008

No, it does not read: "To Serve (as public transportation) and Protect"

I’ve said it before, I’ll say it again, “People never cease to amaze me!”

I went to help another officer out with a call to a domestic violence. Of course when we arrived, we contact our complainant. We will call him “Dumbass” from here on out. So, Dumbass has 3 police officers standing in front of him with a combined total of 50 years of experience. Now, you know with that much time on the job and a complainant that is drunk as a skunk, somebody is gonna be a smart ass but we are going to try really hard not to be.

Let’s start at the beginning. Dumbass gets into an argument with his fiancée because he thinks she’s doing the nasty with the neighbor. The fiancée who is just as drunk as Dumbass didn’t like that accusation very much so she jumped into their van (which has both of their names on the title). Dumbass was going to stop her, he wasn’t about to let this woman leave in HIS car that HE bought. So in true Dumbass form he jumped in front of the van in a show of manhood- or in an attempt to win a Darwin award, the other responding officers and myself are still debating that. The fiancée looked at him, laughed and drove around him in a blaze of glory.

Dumbass was really mad, he was going to show her so he called 911. Thus into the story comes the three stooges. Dumbass picked me out of the three of us for some strange reason (which is also under hot debate). He starts out with “I got a doctors appointment at 7am in the morning. They’re going to do a heart cath on me! She took my van and I want it back!” I decided to completely forgo explaining to him all of the things that were wrong with this scenario thus far. Namely (and I’m completely bypassing…get it? Bypassing? Okay, so it wasn’t that funny…the fact that he jumped in front of a moving vehicle), you’re drunk and you have a heart cath tomorrow!? Now if that isn’t a Darwin award nomination I don’t know what is!

Anyway, without getting into all of that I asked him if he was the only one on the registration. Dumbass says no. Well, that’s a problem I tell him because she has every right to that vehicle, just as much as he does. Dumbass looked me straight in the eyeball and once again with sincerity on his face says, “Well which one of you is gonna pick me up and take me to my doctors office in the morning? Cause if I die tonight it’s going to be all of ya’lls fault!” This is where the little smartass that lives deep within my psyche decided to make a nasty appearance. I looked at this drunk, smelly, inbred and said “Sir, I certainly hope that you don’t die, however if you do, I promise you I will not lose a bit of sleep over it.” Ohhhhhh that struck a nerve, he jumped up, stumbled a little bit and said “I pay taxes, that means I pay your salary! I want service and I want it in the morning, so you need to get here and take me to my doctors appointment!” Wow, if I had a dime for every time I heard the ol’ “I pay your salary with my taxes” spiel! I could only laugh at this point, I looked at Dumbass and told him that if he paid my salary I needed a raise because apparently he wasn’t paying enough taxes. Dumbass was really pissed now. So naturally he demanded my car number and my partners car numbers as well. Ummmmm, okay. I was eager to give him this information. I even told him, “Please complain on me first! I would love to see my supervisors face when you tell him that you are demanding that I take you to the doctors office in the morning.” Dumbass stumbled stormed out in the yard and in true dramatic drunk form attempted to write down the cars numbers. Again, all we could do was laugh. We walked out to our cars and left as Dumbass bid us farewell by yelling the following, “If I die I’m going to sue all of you cause it’s your fault, you need to take me to my doctors appointment!!!” Yeah. Okay.

You gotta love this job….. I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!


Aza said...

Okay, so tell me if this wouldn’t be the funniest thing ever… you show up at his house at 5:45 tomorrow morning, hammer on the door and tell him “I couldn’t get a wink of sleep. I stayed up all night worried that you might die so I’m here to take you to your doctor’s appointment! Hurry up, we‘re gonna be late!”

TheBronze said...

I hate drunk people!

The only thing I would've added would've been to asked him where he worked. The inevitable answer would probably be "I don't".

Followed by, "I guess you don't pay my salary then!".

Pound sand, you mope.

Aza said...

P.S. I added an email address to your profile.

*Goddess* said...

Thus the Hollywood epic, "Dead Man Suing" was born...

On the plus side, being drunk will help him save on the anesthesia.

BTW, I live in a small town and my uncle was friends with the chief of police. He used to drive my uncle to the grocery store all the time...LOL! I used to say, "Ya know, if this was a REAL town..."

Telebush said...

When real idiots want to complain about me I'll give them my badge number, but then I'll say "Here, this will make it easier for you. Here is my business card." It seems to make them even more angry.

Anonymous said...

We can all hope that this man did die. One less drunk dumbass for the rest of us to worry about. Yes, I'm heartless.

TheBronze said...

No you aren't!

Kojak said...

Aza I think that would be extremely funny. I love it. I think I will do that my last day.Thank you for the e mail link XOXOXO.

TheBronze Bro, I wanted to tell him so bad to pack sand, but I will save that for my last day. Be Safe.

Goddess Ilove small towns, I was thinking the same thing, geez who needs anesthesia.

Telebush I love pissing them off, especially since I'm leaving. I can't stand drunks. Be Safe.

StillStacy Yea, I have to say I was not concerned at the moment if he lived or died, but I knew he was just drunk. Thanks for stopping by>

Mrs. "Smith" said...

Isn't alcohol great? ....ok,ok, I have a good drunk once or twice a year, but nothing like that. Usually "Smith" and I wind up watching some Monty Python movie or something with a lot of violence, and laugh our butts off.

Kojak said...

MrsSmith Hey you gotta love it. I am always amazed, I am going to miss them. hahahah. I havent seen a Monty Python movie in ages. Is Mr. Smith ok , I haven't seen him post in a while ? Thanks for coming by.

Anonymous said...

"....and she drove around him in a blaze of glory..." HAHAHAHAHA you just gave me the best visual on that!!!! I'm pretty sure I can imagine the locale on that too, or at least be really, really close.