A vent

I have thought about how to write this for the last few days. The thought process was do I tell this to everybody who reads my blog or do I just keep it to myself. Aza is the only other person that knows about this, so she of course told me that it was up to me if I wanted to share my story. I feel that some of you are like family even though we have never met, but honestly the only people that I really care about how they feel are Aza and her Dad.

I told you that I only had a few days left before I retire. This information has not changed, I leave June 27th. I also told you that I had considered going with a smaller department that bordered our city. That is true also, but things have changed. I started the process that eventually led to my polygraph which I passed with flying colors. It has been 27 years since I have been put through the ringer but none the less I was prepared because I had absolutely nothing to hide. I have had a stellar career, so much so that I was given tremendous compliments by our Sheriff today at a county wide roll call in front of 150 officers. I got about 2 hours of sleep the night before the polygraph only because I just can’t go to bed at 9 o’clock. I never hit the sack until 3, 4 or 5 o’clock in the morning every night simply because I have been on nights for 15 years.

I arrived the morning of the test at 8:30am and was greeted by the examiner. He was a 24 year veteran from Ft. Lauderdale the birth place of the Cops T.V. program. We talked for about 25 minutes before we got down to the nitty gritty. He explained the ins and outs of the test and told me that he didn’t care what has happened the last 27 years, just be truthful and everything would be fine. I of course had no intension of being anything but truthful. I was told that he would ask me a series of about 200 questions some of which would be asked on the actual test. The questions were very personal in nature and some were just plain stupid. I finally completed the series of questions and was exhausted. I felt like I had just been beat up and left for dead. He was eager to get going so he hooked me up to “ol sparky II” and was ready to interrogate and grill me. The test consisted of about 10 questions that were asked 3 separate times with about 25 seconds in between each question. Finally I was unhooked and told that the test was complete.

The examiner left the room for a short while and then returned with my sheet. He said that everything looked great, all of my responses showed a truthful reading and that I had passed with no problem. We shook hands and he said that he looked forward to seeing me again.

I left feeling relieved to say the least. I called Aza telling her that all was well. She of course being my biggest fan was very happy but knew that there would not be an issue. I have to tell all of you that I had to borrow her car to go to the test because I can’t take my police car that far out of county. When I got in, she had a card with my name on it taped to the steering wheel that had absolutely the most comforting words in it that I have ever read. I love her, she is so good to me.

I got a phone call later in the day from the department telling me that I needed to be back out there Thursday morning at 8am to run their P.A.T. test. I was excited because I was that much closer to getting back into police work. A day went by that was very busy for us (I had a ton of errands all afternoon) so I was exhausted eventually going to bed and waking up about 9:30am. I picked up my phone and saw that I had a voice mail. I called my messaging system and heard a message that sent me first, into complete nausea and then ready to throw my guts up. As I listened in absolute disbelief the voice on the other end says “This call is for officer ‘Kojak’, we need to cancel your P.A.T. test. We will be in touch with you”. Now I am not a stupid man I know what that means. It means we don’t want your ass so forget our number. I called immediately and spoke to the lady that left the message. I was told that I was no longer a candidate for employment due to the result of my polygraph! I told her that she had to be kidding me, she said “No, I am not kidding you. Call Inspector Harvey.” I couldn’t punch the numbers fast enough. I got him on the phone and was told that one of the questions that I responded to truthfully really set off the Major. So much so that he immediately suspended my status.

I am going to be honest with you, the question was “Have you ever has sex while on duty?” I went numb first then got pissed. I told him that I answered it with a truthful answer as the test showed. I explained the circumstances behind the answer. It was over 15 years ago with my first wife on my lunch break. She had called and asked that I take lunch at home that day. I logged out, went home to eat and something happened. My answer fell on deaf ears. I was simply not what they were looking for I was told.

Now, I can honestly tell you that I don’t know too many officers that haven’t done something like that in their career (and not necessarily with their spouse). It is absolutely not something that I am proud of but I can tell you that when I was in training if you didn’t you were considered a plant, gay, or you were not one of the guys. Although peer pressure back in the day was tremendous it was not something I folded to. It is a very dark side of being a police officer that I am not proud of but it is what it is. Yes, I did something with my then wife while on lunch. I was man enough to admit it to him and I am man enough to tell all of you. I have never stolen anything, I am not a child molester, crack head or a rogue police officer that beats the shit out of suspects for no reason. I told the truth and I have been persecuted for that. I was told as much that it probably should have been something that should have never come out. Hmmm, so lie about it!?!? Are you kidding me?!

So there it is folks I am not good enough to be an officer for that department. I feel embarrassed, humiliated, and completely devastated. I stand by the fact that I was truthful, but I refuse to believe that I am not good enough!

I’m Out And We’ll Talk Later!